Hey Internet, let me take you on my special Leprechaun journey.
One forgettable weekend I watched all of the Leprechaun movies and I lived to tell the tale. It all started with Leprechaun 5: In the Hood. Somehow I just knew I had to watch the rest.
TL;DR: High points from watching the “Leprechaun” series of movies in no particular order.
I make no promises about spoilers, for one cannot spoil what is already rotten.
The Original Leprechaun
Quasi teenage Jennifer Aniston stars in this ‘93 original, but surprisingly she does not appear again in another Leprechaun film. Her bangs are prominent and hard to miss.
One lesson you will learn early is that girls who have bangs mean BUSINESS. These girls will also be likely to survive so it’s ok to get emotionally attached to them.
IMHO there’s an uneasy amount of Easy Spirit tennis shoe product placement in this film.
My key observations:
- Keep those bangs big to survive
- Leprechauns can use phones and when they do they’re dicks
- Four-leaf clovers are a MUST have when covering your shallow Leprechaun graves
— Asshole Leprechaun
There’s only one way to kill a Leprechaun and I’m not going to tell you.
It’s a pretty typical girl meets boy Leprechaun setup. They’re in Ireland. Bad American teens are dropped off by some locals at a desolate cabin meant as bait for a ritualistic sacrifice. There was no source for online reviews for Irish accommodations yet, apparently.
This is the movie that was made most recently in 2014. Just like a super ugly child, it doesn’t fit in with the others from the 90s. You would think the titular term of Origins would mean an attempt to explain how this franchise was born. Not so. Instead they got fancy with it by silently panning over some old time-y hand drawn maps.
Once again a brunette with bangs delivers. We expected for her to live the longest and she did! The one with the most bangs has the strongest legacy. Note: If she’s upset, you’re gonna be upset too.
Downsides / Feedback:
- Everyone who dies literally takes a knife to a gun fight
- Teens need to do more vacation research prior to foreign travel (or for airbnb to exist)
- Only the biggest and boldest bangs survive
Even my cats wouldn’t watch this one. It was so, so awful. Not even new magical drugs that haven’t been invented yet could fix this movie.
The blinged out skull themed go-kart Leprechaun rolls out with is the strongest highlight of this film. The go-kart is the only part of this movie when my face didn’t hurt from frowning. Fast forward to that scene and turn it off afterwards.
Here are some like key points, I f'ing guess:
- If you’re the bride to be, know that Leprechauns awkwardly overstate their future sexual prowess on their wedding nights
- Crushed velvet is a must for any occasion
- Racing puns don’t carry a movie, if only….
Leprechaun 5: In the Hood
Direct to video… High points are that Ice T is the best choice of Pimp in this role.It was like Law & Order Special Leprechaun Victims Unit. Ice T’s talents in real life are attributed to his possession of some Leprechaun bric-a-brac. Clearly others wanted this fame for themselves.
The movie ends with Leprechaun rapping about being the evil Irish Leprechaun that he is. It’s not satisfying. Ever think to yourself that a movie can be so bad that it’s good? This is not one of those cases where you’ll watch and think that later. It’s more like smelling something nasty and ripe in the trash and calling your significant other over to smell it and then watching their face. You might feel guilty, you might not. That’s what it’s like. Strangely enough this is the movie that left me wanting more, the one that started it all.
- If you’re looking to break into music, look no further than Irish superstitions
- Watching a Leprechaun smoke a bong is amazing, I’ll give them that
- Nobody EVER gets even with a Pimp, son
— Leprechaun "O.G."
A friend with weed is a friend indeed, but a friend with gold is the best I’m told.
Leprechaun 3: Las Vegas
Help. My hands hurt typing this because it makes my soul hurt. It begins with a pirate looking amputee needing money at a pawn shop. The coin seems to hold the key!
Sandy blondes with bangs and cleavage command the most respect . Magicians do NOT deserve respect, their bangs are of zero consequence. A very lumpy old Casino lady is the catalyst for much of the magic discovery. Thankfully her toilet paper-mache lumps go away after her wishes are made.
Best death in this one? Sex robot electrocution. The essential elements of the lady robot are face, boobs and hands. Great job!
Things I learned:
- Running around and punchin’ D’s isn’t anyway to get ahead 8===D
- You cannot use a Leprechaun’s magic to hurt the Leprechaun
- Anyone could have Tammy if they really wanted her
— Charming Leprechaun 3
“If you’re going to linger, I’ll give you the finger.”
Leprechaun 4: SPACE YA’LL
At this point it was yours truly who needed space. Space away from my self-made Leprechaun hell. Also, if you’re still reading at this point then you’re binging, too…
Clearly some steam was lost by this reviewer along the way, but I wanted to see the thrill-ride through.
Don’t watch this.
- Expect some way too long dramatic pauses for Leprechaun quotable moments
- Why won’t it stop? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
- Put on anything else you can find, even CSPAN or America’s Funniest Home Videos