Full Credits

Stats & Data

December 06, 2011

Be very embarrassed if you receive any of these "gifts."

  1. Eddie Bauer Portable Collapsible Shovel

Eddie Bauer Small Collapsible Shovel

Why does anyone need a small emergency shovel?  It seems one would need either a large shovel for snow removal or nothing at all.

Maybe your friends and family suspect that you stop on the side of the road to bury your excrement.  Are you traveling with a band of nomadic gypsies?  Keeping animals away from your Occupy site?  No, you say?  You simply prefer the romantic naturalism of tall, swaying grass brushing against your baby-soft rump instead of the cold, plastic toilet seat of a harshly lit McDonald’s restroom?  Perfectly understandable, and that’s why they purchased you this convenient shovel.

Or perhaps the gift giver suspects that you may need to bury a dead body unexpectedly.  Giving a small, portable shovel is a kind gesture; it’s caring, practical, and means someone still loves the monster inside of you.

2. Forever Lazys

The commercial promotes wearing this item out in public. You too can look like a small pachyderm!

This couple gave up long ago. He doesn't even take Viagra.

This item signals the official decline of the American work ethic.  If you receive it, you are part of the problem in a major way, and everyone knows it. If someone buys you an item with a convenient hatch for going to the restroom and it’s not hunting coveralls, you need to put down the remote, wipe up the drool, and take action to improve your life.

3. Sling Couture Protective Face Mask

Is this to protect you, or to shield the gift-giver from your nasty cooties?  If you think this will make you more attractive to the opposite sex, I got news for you: if you’re wearing this, you should refrain from human contact, remember?

4. Ear Guards

Ear Guards

If your friend or relative thinks you need a protective cover to prevent earwig or other insect infestation in any orifice, you need to take off your Forever Lazys, burn your house down, and start over in life.  Don’t forget to grab your Sling Couture Mask because it will protect against the smoke for a short while as you clear the area.

5. World’s Largest Gummy Bear

12,600 calories

There is some debate at my house over whether this is a good gift or not.  Either way, I hope it’s not something you would buy for yourself.  Despite its impact-resistant chemical structure, the massive gummy will melt in the arson attack, and you can delay the onset of diabetes for another few weeks

Merry Christmas!!!  I have to go wrap the King Ah-Ah-Choo Egyptian Tissue Box Cover for my friend who has both bad allergies and a lust for history.

This guy should take some nose spray.