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January 22, 2018

My wife and I are raising 3 kids in the suburbs. We both work and this is legit...ask Clooney

Have you always wanted twins, but were too afraid to raise them yourself?
Do you dream about living like George Clooney or Beyonce, but not really?
Does the idea of making a nutritious meal for your kids and having them dump it on the floor in front of you sound like a rush that you can’t live without?
Look no further, because for a limited time, you can have the experience of a lifetime and live the one and only:
That’s right folks, for the low price of a monthly mortgage payment in the suburbs, you can have it all. Experience the one and only REAL life of a hardworking mother of twin toddlers. For 24-48 hours you will get exclusive insider access to the average everyday life of a working mom of twins.
Your experience will begin with a high class ride to the daycare center where you will get to pick up the little boogers along with all of their gear, toss it in the minivan and ride off into the sunset through 5 pm traffic where the magic really starts to happen. Are they tired? …Probably. Are they hungry? …Maybe. Are their diapers dirty even though they’ve just been changed? …Fo’ Sho’. Will you hear about it? …You will absolutely hear about it!!!
Waiting for you at the house will be none other than probably no one which means you will get to unload everyone and everything by yourself. Whoops! Watch out for that less than 2 year old trying to escape, they are faster than Donald Trump’s North Korea comebacks on Twitter. Don’t dilly dally, the clock is ticking when you finally make it inside. Milk, chow and cartoons best be served quick and in a hurry or the ear piercing screaming will ensue.
Actually, the ear piercing screaming will always ensue because they are twins and they are crazy af!
No time to change diapers, strap them in their booster seats and get to feeding these little piggies. Elmo should be on at this point and the boy one will rage about Elmo even though he’s right there on the screen buddy!!! Calm down!!! Somehow he will probably still get upset, but don’t fret, it’s normal. The girl one’s response to everything you say will be an emphatic “NO!” Don’t worry, she only means it every time she says it. Are you hungry? …NO. Are you thirsty? …NO. Are you dirty? …NO. Do you really know what I’m saying? …NO. Is mommy losing it? Hell yeah she is (wait, that was your internal monologue, the correct answer is NO).

A healthy and adequately portioned serving of chicken, rice and vegetables is served as a first course and this will go straight from the table and onto the floor. Wah-Wah… Rome wasn’t built in a day and kids never eat what they should. You probably won’t learn your lesson, but continue to waste time and keep trying. Second course is mac’ n cheese. Remember to make enough for them to feed to the dog and enough to put in their hair for that “I do whatever the f*** I want” style. Third course / dessert is random food they find under furniture from dinners past. After dinner, your kitchen floor will probably resemble a Chili’s dumpster area, but that’s normal and hey, at least you get to clean it up instead of being lazy…free cardio folks.

Don’t get too skinny though, it’s straight from the dinner table to the bath (not the shower aka blood bath, not unless you want permanent hearing loss). Now is where you get to find out where that smell has been coming from. Even though, real talk, you knew where it was coming from. Yes, it’s what you thought it was…big turds. Moving on.
Bath time can be great fun provided no one is trying to drown their brother or sister or pull a slippery wild escape like that time Neo woke up from the Matrix. Don’t dawdle though, the clock is ticking and “night-night” is coming. Get ‘em clean and move ‘em out. Diapers, PJ’s, 15 minutes of reading, playtime and snuggles and then it’s off to bed. They need their beauty rest and besides if they don’t go to bed by 7:30, you don’t want to know what happens. It’s essentially Gremlins, The Ring, all modern day horror movies and the Babadook combined. Don’t watch. Get them to sleep.

Now you get take to take care of your 5 year old who you’ve been neglecting all night and spend some time doing her homework and thwarting whatever cockamamie schemes she has planned for the rest of your night. Not too long though…dishes, laundry, food for the next day and that Chili’s dumpster await. Get it done or make your significant other do it, wherever the hell he is. It’s only 9:45 pm so maybe you’ll have time for a sandwich and a shower, maybe not. Either way you did a fine job and should sleep well, provided no one drops a nini (pacifier) or hears the Babadook in their closet.
Make sure you get to bed early because 5:00 am is fast approaching and waits for no mom. NO…not even on Sundays. If you thought getting them undressed and clean was a chore, just wait until the morning when you get to wrangle them back into their clothes WWE championship wrestling style. He’s the Rock and she’s Ric Flair and you are screwed, because it’s a cage match to the death. WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Get ‘em out the door by 6:45 and back into daycare / school so you can go to work at your other job. Wait what? That’s right. This whole time you’ve actually been OFF work! Didn’t feel like it?! I know right?! So awesome!!
Anywho…Hopefully you learned a lot in your experience of a lifetime. Things like…Twins Mom life is fo’ real bro. Tell your friends.