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Published October 30, 2010 More Info »
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Published October 30, 2010

It's the time of year for my kids to do all those Halloween activities: pumpkin picking (done), pumpkin carving (accomplished), and of course the buying of costumes (done, but I didn't find claws for my boy's Wolverine costume). On Sunday night the wife will take our children to shakedown our neighbors, friends, and family for candy. I will be home paying off the local ruffians with chocolaty goodness.


For some Sky Fairyists this is the time to bring the message of the LORD into hi-def (yes, they seem hell bent in ruining every bloody holiday) because this is the season of the Hell house. Hell house, for those of you not in the know, is a type of haunted house. The difference between a Hell House and the run of the mill haunted house is that the Hell house depicts real horrors! At least it's real to the deluded, befuddled, superstitious, folk known as fundamentalist Christians. Within the house of Hell are scenes of damnation such as gay marriage, recreational drug use, and of course abortion.  At the end of the tour finds Satan laughing the evil laugh of evil as he prepares to torture the hapless sinners for eternity. But wait! Divine intervention brings the visitors of Hell house to Jesus (at least the actor paid to play Jesus). Jesus then gives his sales pitch, "All those horrors can be avoided if you worship me."  Wow, that Jesus sounds like a dick. I mean, if my super conservative neighbor's house was on fire I wouldn't yell from outside, "Dude, I can save you, but you just have to agree to worship me forever."  That would be an uber-dick move, and I'm not in the uber-dickish business.

I think it would nifty if the godless produced our own version of Hell house. Our house would demonstrate the horrible nightmare world where religion is in control of society. Here are some ideas I have for it.

Iranian Stoning of Women As per the Iranian official procedure the women would be buried a wee bit above the breasts (those Islamists are prudes). The "stoners" would discuss the proper size of the rocks to be used as per Sharia Law (No, Mohammed, that rock is too big. She must suffer then die.). Then comes the business of the throwing and bleeding and then the dying. Allah is happy.

Witch Trials What would religion do if there wasn't anyone to bully? They would probably be in deep trouble. The witch trial room would show where religious superstition logically leads to. Actors could show innocent people getting convicted on "spectral evidence" (eyewitnesses claimed they "saw" witchery through dreams and visions). The accused would face enhanced questioning techniques like getting physically pressed (like a panini) until they admitted to being a witch. Of course, no witch trial would be complete without a hanging (ala Salem witchcraft trials).

God's Science Classroom Visitors would see happy schoolchildren and their teacher in a Christian learning environment. On the blackboard would be a drawing of the sun centered universe. Every child would have the most cutting edge text book imaginable - the King James Bible. In the God centered world every child would learn how to be a doctor. This is a fairly simple feat since being a doctor is just learning how to cast out the disease causing demon. Children would compete for scholarships to TIT (Theistic Institute of Technology) by answering difficult scientific questions like How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?

The last room wouldn't have Jesus. There would be an ordinary person talking about critical thinking skills and how using them can help you not fuck up your life.

I don't think I'd visit that haunted house, however.

It's a little too real for me...

in Purgatory.

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