1) The Great Escape
Jadis evades murder by covering one of her fellow trash people in trash, very on brand, then plays dead in his brain juice. And when a Savior says negotiating wasn’t her game, he’s right. But turns out keeping your eyes open in a high-pressure situation IS her game, and she’s playing to win. Cool! Time for a nappy nap.
2) Jadis’ Junkyard Apartment Is Nicer Than Mine
Jadis’ junkyard apartment aesthetic is inspiring. I can only hope to one day live in a place that Instagrammable. And it’s a total Gram package. Vintage camera, cool luggage, distressed denim, guy in plaid sobbing in the corner- OK, cool, so at least my apartment has one of these things.
2) Look Who’s Talking Again
Tara has good news. She says it’s been over a day since her opinion on Dwight has changed and the doc thinks she’s cured of Flip-Flopitis. Daryl says the same crap he said last week and these two celebrate Easter by resurrecting a dead conversation they’ve already had twice.
3) Illiterick Grimes
Michonne interrupts Rick putting on his trusty murder jacket and tells him to read Carl’s blog post from beyond the grave. But Rick has a confession to make. “I can’t…I can’t…I CAN’T READ STUFF AND THINGS.” Michonne tries reasoning and Rick hits her with a head tilt angle and general eyeball energy that says reason has no place here.
4) Morgan’s Stepping Out
Morgan is mumbling a whole lot of “could’ve should’ve supposed to” crazy and Carol wants in on this nut job action.
5) Negan’s Negotiating
Negan tries his best to make things right with Jadis. He says he really punched himself in the dick on this one and he’s sorry everyone she knows is dead. And THAT is how you apologize, folks! Jadis almost kills him, and gets stopped by his invisible plot armor.
6) The Morgan Never Dies
It’s all fun and games until your friend catches you yelling at a dead kid in the woods who isn’t there and might not even be dead. Morgan tells Carol everything is cool and once again says, “I don’t die,” with the conviction of a crackhead about to rollerblade down Mt. Everest.
7) Enhanced Rickterrogation
Rick dramatically looks at his dumb hat and is overwhelmed with feelings of being a parent. So he tells Judith to be safe, don’t play with anything sharp, and gets the hell out of there.
Rick asks Face Pubes if he has intel on a place where survivors on foot, who may be injured, might hole up to figure things out and grow their face pubes. Face Pubes says Rick should consider showing them mercy. Rick acknowledges that this mercy thing is definitely an interesting option, then turns his back and examines his fully loaded assault rifle.
8) The Great Escape 2: Look Who’s Escaping Now
I’m not an expert in Junkyard Hostages and didn’t graduate from any fancy Junkyard Hostage university, but I’m pretty sure you’re NOT supposed to leave your junkyard hostage alone with various stuffs he could use to escape and kill you.
9) Morgan Breaks It Down
Carol wants to follow Henry’s trail, but Morgan can’t do it. He says he only watches people die, forever haunted by Tabitha the goat. Morgan is teetering on the edge of an emotional collapse so intense it will send him into a spinoff series. They say goodbye for now and shake on a bloody stick.
10) Take My Lucille, Please
Negan wants to know what kind of Dr. Evil shit Jadis is trying to pull here. And he knows Jadis must be desperate because she’s almost talking in full sentences. Negan reveals Lucille was once the name of his wife. And he named his bat after her, so she could live on and give a million other guys headaches.
11) It Has Risen
The helicopter has risen again! Happy Easter. Trying to appeal to Jadis one last time, Negan swears on his sack. And it really makes you wonder how many times he’s going to have to comedically reference his testicles before someone around here takes him seriously.
12) The Morgan The Merrier
Morgan confesses he’s not doing so hot these days after sneaking up on a guy he’s known for years and almost killing him. Rick says it’s cool beans. He’s ALSO out for a murder stroll. Hence the murder jacket. So let’s link up for revenge, a dish best served splitsies.
13) Death To Poochies
It’s bad enough your friends just chopped your arm and leg off and you’re dying, to hear them repeatedly refer to death as “pooching it” I mean just kill me now. Kill me yesterday!
Murder jacket Rick negotiates. He says they made a split second decision to leave Hilltop. And they blew it big time. But they should make another hasty decision RIGHT NOW, to trust him and come back, because they’re all so good at this quick decision stuff. And when the walkers show up, they decide they’re ready to go Team Grimes. But after Rick gets a gun and Morgan gets a stick to balance his gun …
Wait for it …
APRIL FOOLS, BITCHES! EVERYBODY GONNA DIE.
Morgan stalks the one that got away then holds him while he gets chewed upon on some, “NO! YOU HANG UP FIRST!” shit.
14) “I Lied”
Rick reveals the dirty secret that he lied about having them over for zombie brunch in case he couldn’t figure that out by the fact that everyone’s dead. Rick takes a trip down Murder Memory Lane with Morgan, then looks at that broken mirror and realizes he just got 7 more seasons of bad luck.
15) New Carl Lives
Carol miraculously saved New Carl. But she better watch out. If he’s really New Carl, and he’s definitely New Carl, he got bit back there but it’s going to take two more Sundays before he dies.
16) Return Of The Kings
Rick and Morgan are back from their murder stroll! Morgan greets the kid he left for dead by telling him the awesome news that he killed the guy who killed his brother. Then teaches him the valuable lesson to never be sorry for anything ever. And Rick finally reads Carl’s letter that has the valuable advice he could’ve used days ago to not kill all those people he just killed. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK! Who did Negan pick up in his car? Hopefully someone who can explain that goddamn helicopter. What will Daryl and Rosita do to Eugene? They’re going to break into his bullet factory and turn his face into a bullet piggy bank. What surprises does Negan have for everyone back at the sanctuary? They have to help him move a couch next Sunday. The WORST kind of surprise. NONE OF THIS AND MORE! Next time on S08E15 of The Walking Dead.