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Published September 27, 2011

Salam Fayyad, the prime minister of the Palestinian Authority, has never held a gun nor been arrested, which is quite an accomplishment for someone who lives in a ‘hood that last saw peace in 1928 1853 1603 the middle ages 67 A.D 2500 B.C. just a few minutes before Cain found a rock big enough to crush his brother’s skull.

Mr Fayyad’s non-violent approach is an inspiration — heck, even Gandhi wouldn’t have tried his nutty stunt if he had been staring down Mossad rather than a bunch of drooling Brits suffering heat exhaustion.

Fayyad now says that if a Palestinian state does not emerge from negotiations with Israel, the PA will unilaterally declare a state. He may not know how to fire a gun, but he knows how to make some noise! Put aside all the yap-yap and whine-whine (by the way, the yap-yap and whine-whine party starts at 8 sharp) about the Arab-Israeli conflict, and one thing strikes us as odd: the land the Palestinians control is split in two and each bit is so small that the Palestinians air force only uses pogo sticks to hop around. Which gave us an idea. Greek sex! No, wait, that’s a different rant.

Speaking of Greece, the Mediterranean country has much to be proud of. It has given the world the Olympics, souvlaki and, ummm, well, yeah. It had a good run. But its economic crisis is dragging down Europe, and if that happens hilarious cheesy Europop songs will take on a darker tone (think Cheeky Girls as goths). Besides, if the Germans have to bail them out they will have yet another darker-skinned minority to push around, and nobody wants to see that.

Greece had its chance. Palestine never did. So how about a straight swap: Greeks for Palestinians? The Greeks should move to Palestine, the Palestinians to Greece. The Palestinians could then have a shot at running a small country. And with all the fighting and riots in Greece at the moment, they will feel right at home in the warzone that is the mideast. We can just about hear the Israelis lock their front doors and collectively mutter: ‘There goes the neighbourhood.”

(Editor’s note: This story needs an image of a Greek man breaking plates on an Israeli tank. Can we re-run the photo from the Greek Week advertising flyer?)

P.S. HOW TO DECLARE YOUR OWN COUNTRY: 1.) Throw rocks at your oppressors. 2.) Declare allegiance with Hugo Chavez. 3.) Whine at the UN until they put you in the Time Out chamber. 4.) Fill out the form below and send it to Jimmy Carter.


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