Full Credits

Stats & Data

September 30, 2012

Batman Revealed To Be Bill Gates

 After nearly a decade of fighting crime on the streets of Gotham, the city's vigilante protector has been dramatically unmasked. Having captured and restrained the Batman, criminal mastermind The Peacock made the unusual decision to unmask the Dark Knight. He refrained from actually killing the Batman, however.


Video of the scene was leaked within hours and the world was rocked to its molten core as the unmasking revealed fifty-four year old multi-billionaire Bill Gates.




Criminologists have already made much of the revelation. Jack Shote, resident lecturer at Harvard, commented: “In hindsight, all the cars, planes, gadgets, costumes, and apparently open schedule, all point to someone with a bit of cash.”


Gates has denied the allegations, pointing out that his physique does not lend itself to the kinds of stunts the Batman engages in and that he has been photographed on three separate occasions meeting the Caped Crusader at charity events. He states that he was kidnapped for his huge fortune and then set up by The Peacock when he refused to pay – the implications being that master criminals would flock on Gates and attempt to abduct him before placing him in an elaborate contraption that would then kill him. “Bogus,” states new District attorney Colin Upt. “There have been several cases of superhero abduction over the years, many involving Batman himself, and none have ever ended in bloodshed. “In fact,” Col Upt goes on, “it's a miracle none of the heroes have been unmasked previously.”


Gates, his P.A., manager, cousin, and his press representative, all refused to talk to us when we called them at 4 A.M this morning, further casting the shadow of guilt over the computer magnate.


 Jody Marshall, criminal psychologist and author of best-selling book, ...Yes, But Why Did You Eat Her Face?, has long studied the dark protector of Gotham. Her doctoral thesis, Batman:Got A Cape, But can't Fly, earned her a place as an aid to the Gotham Vigilante Unit, before she shot to national fame following a high-profile fling with multi-billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne. She said to this reporter, “Gates may well have had a difficult childhood growing up in upper-middle class Seattle with comfortably-off parents. As a computing fan he may have encountered mean nicknames, like 'nerd' or 'computer nerd'. The deep psychological scars could have done untold damage.”


 In her thesis, Marshall had hypothesised that violence could have played a part in shaping the vigilante. She comments now: “To be driven to transform yourself into a creature of the night and single-handedly take on the rot of corruption, greed and sin that engulfs a city, one would expect considerable childhood trauma, such as seeing your parents shot down in a dark alley one night, perhaps after what had been otherwise a pleasant evening, by a man who had tried to snatch your mother's pearls before your father had tried to accost the criminal. Something like that. But what's the chances of that happening in a city so well protected by a man like the batman.”


 In related news, a hole has been found in one of Arkham Asylum's walls. How the hole, which is large enough to fit a man, has previously gone unnoticed is a mystery. Asked if blocking the hole would reduce the prison’s escape rate, Dr. Jeremiah Arkham, head of the facility, said, “I can make no promises.”