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October 31, 2009
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 DRILL PRESS:
 A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
 out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
 across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully
 set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
 
 WIRE WHEEL:
 Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench
 with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses
 from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, sh*t!"
 
 SKILL SAW:
 A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
 
 PLIERS:
 Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
 blood-blisters.
 
 BELT SANDER:
 An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs
 into major refinishing jobs.
 
 HACKSAW:
 One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
 transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
 you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
 
 VISE-GRIPS:
 Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing
 else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
 the palm of your hand.
 
 OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
 Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on
 fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which
 you want to remove a bearing race.
 
 TABLE SAW:
 A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
 testing wall integrity.
 
 HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
 Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your
 new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
 
 BAND SAW:
 A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
 aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can
 after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
 
 TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
 A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot
 to disconnect.
 
 PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
 Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
 paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
 used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
 
 STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
 A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
 screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
 
 PRY BAR:
 A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed
 to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
 
 HOSE CUTTER:
 A tool used to make hoses too short.
 
 HAMMER:
 Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
 kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the
 object we are trying to hit.
 
 UTILITY KNIFE:
 Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered
 to your  front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats,
 vinyl records,  liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund
 checks, and rubber or  plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work
 clothes, but only while in use.
 
 Son of a b*tch TOOL:
 Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, "Son
 of a b*tch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool
 that you will need.
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