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February 11, 2013

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at www.brianlisi.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Pope Benedict XVI says he will resign on Feb. 28. At the same time teaching us that it's proper etiquette to give God at least 2 weeks notice.

The last time a pope ever resigned was in 1415. Since then, everyone has been pretty okay with being worshipped by millions and living in a city of gold.

Sen. John McCain said he's “leaning” toward voting against fellow Republican Chuck Hagel for defense secretary. To reiterate: The man who chose a one-term governor of Alaska to be his running mate is questioning someone's qualifications.

A $1 million reward is being offered for information leading to the arrest of rogue ex-LAPD officer Christopher Joseph Dorner. An offer the LAPD is extending to rogue current LAPD officers.

Joe Paterno's family released a report denying that the coach helped hide the Jerry Sandusky sex abuse scandal. Said the family, "We refuse to allow a family member with no ability to defend himself to be violated."

Sources say President Obama's State of the Union address will focus on the economy. Raising the question, when will President Obama?

Four people were shot in New Orleans while celebrating Mardi Gras. To be fair, you find a faster, more accurate way of giving someone beads.

A study suggests that Millennials (18- to 33 year-olds) are the most stressed generation. The study cites problems such as unemployment, college debt, and lack of available power outlets.

Chris Brown wrecked his Porsche over the weekend because he was reportedly being chased by paparazzi. Not to mention the Porsche might have been flirting with some guy.

In Washington, D.C., a man is being billed for $780.85 for an ambulance that took 30 minutes to arrive, during which time his father died. To make matters worse, the ambulance ran over his mom.

Maker's Mark will soon contain less alcohol due to a rise in demand. In related news, don't drink that Zima--it's basically moonshine.

Five New Jersey mayors say they might refuse to provide police and emergency service for next year’s Super Bowl. The mayors say they're overburdened as it is whenever Chris Christie's sandwich comes to town.

In related news, two students from Savannah State filmed themselves successfully sneaking into the Super Bowl. Needless to say, the Super Bowl security team is not happy.

Ron Paul is asking the United Nations to help him gain control over the domain name RonPaul.com. While he's at it, he may also want to buy the domain name RonPaulLovesSuperIrony.com too.