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September 28, 2016

From Flonase to 400-pound hackers, we've got some tips to make the next presidential debate viewing experience more enjoyable!

The first 2016 presidential debate between Clinton and Trump is in the history books, which means we still have two more to go. Here are a few suggestions to make the next ones a little more enjoyable for everyone.

1. Flonase
2. Melania Trump and Bill Clinton not only have a ceremonial handshake but also a ceremonial slow dance
3. All the candidates from the primaries are brought on stage and acknowledged through a brief Soul Train Line
4. After being introduced, Trump walks right up to the audience and does the old LeBron James chalk toss thing
5. Clinton wears the same red outfit, but this time with a smiley face drawn on it in black marker, and enters by crashing through a wall
6. Gary Johnson is finally allowed on the debate stage, but he can only mime
7. We occasionally cut to reaction shots of President Obama live from his couch, where he’s already flipped over to TNT to watch the second half of The Da Vinci Code
8. Tissue slots in the podiums
9. There’s a sweet retired first grade teacher who has volunteered to help any candidate blow their nose
10. The moderator can employ reggaeton horns at their discretion, but only for a truly exceptional zinger
11. During timeouts, we are treated to choreographed numbers from Trump’s dance squad, the Stop and Friskettes
12. Lester Holt dresses as his super hero alter ego, The Silencer, roaming the aisles and duct taping the mouth of anyone who cheers or boos
13. The question of stamina is finally settled by a surprise visit from Richard Simmons
14. An on-site smiling coach
15. Joe Biden shows up drunk and gets some shit off his chest
16. Every time Trump interrupts, he is slimed
17. Bernie Sanders gets three water balloons to use as he sees fit
18. Whenever Clinton does her signature shoulder shimmy, her body doubles join as backup dancers
19. There’s a pop quiz where Tim Kaine and Mike Pence are brought on stage and the candidates must try to identify which one is theirs
20. Trump refuses to release tax records. Clinton refuses to release emails. However, they both agree to open their podiums and release dozens of white doves
21. Clinton not only proudly says she prepared to be president, she also introduces the movers she’s had on retainer since 2008
22. An eccentric slackline artist performs between the two podiums, who, by rule, cannot be acknowledged by the debaters
23. A sumo wrestler in a Guy Fawkes mask briefly hijacks the video feed from his webcam to prove all the 400-pound hacker doubters wrong
24. During debate halftime, we get a behind-the-scenes look inside the locker room at the candidates’ halftime speech from Coach Eric Taylor
25. Jill Stein is allowed to skulk among the rafters wearing a cape and a mask that covers half her face. All made of hemp
26. Just to mess with everyone, a Chinese diplomat keeps sneaking over and turning up the thermostat
27. Trump fully embraces his persona, continually punctuating audible burps and farts with his catchphrase: “That’s called business, by the way”
28. If mentioned, Miss Piggy rises up from behind the moderator’s table and exclaims, “Moi?”
29. Speaking of which, balcony heckling from Statler and Waldorf
30. Or, depending on availability, Statler and Sanders
31. Or Sanders and Waldorf
32. The rarest Pokemon Go creature is located somewhere in the first three rows
33. Your remote’s mute button
34. After five minutes of debate, the rest of the show is a Prince tribute
35. Post-debate “body language experts” are accompanied on panels alongside their peers, pet psychics
36. To prove they have “the look,” at least one candidate dresses up like Uncle Sam and wears stilts
37. A training montage of Hillary Clinton ruggedly travelling to 112 countries to negotiate international agreements intercut with shots of Donald Trump training in Vladimir Putin’s gym of futuristic debate equipment
38. A break in the action so anybody with a Harambe sign can get tazed and we can all watch
39. Trump’s doctor is invited on stage to reveal his health rankings of all presidential candidates ever
40. All the dishwashers, painters, architects, glass installers, marble installers, and drapery installers stiffed by Trump gather at the barricades for a triumphant song of protest
41. An exclusive interview with Brian Williams about the challenges of moderating Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton at the first debate
42. Trump wears toy Hulk hands
43. A chicken fight on the shoulders of their VP candidates in an above ground pool
44. Whenever Clinton says “Trumped-up Trickle Down,” it is repeated by the voiceover guy from monster truck commercials
45. Someone dressed as the ghost of Douglas MacArthur shows up and flips them both off
46. A ten-minute Freaky Friday round
47. Pie-eating contest (no hands)
48. Howard Dean comes after Trump with a steel chair
49. Chris Christie, dressed as the Ultimate Warrior, stops him
50. Get drunk. Don’t watch