Thanksgiving is coming up which means it’s time to send gifts of gratitude to The King of Thanksgiving. Nobody is quite sure why we honor The King of Thanksgiving, we all just know that giving him praise is the most important part of the holiday.
A hermit by nature, The King of Thanksgiving spends his life in a dank cave located in Spruce Creek, Pennsylvania. He stays withdrawn from society for religious reasons. However, once a year for Thanksgiving, He will emerge.
A time honored tradition.
It is a tradition for The President of the United States to visit The King of Thanksgiving, delivering him a brand new NFL regulation football. Harry S. Truman was the first President to visit The King of Thanksgiving. We think his legacy has something to do with World War II. Again, we don’t really know. Every President since WWII has given him gifts. Every President except John F. Kennedy, that is. JFK was shot in the fucking head because he didn’t show his respect. That’s why he’s fucking dead.
— Jimmy Carter, 39th POTUS
Our great county owes it all to this humble man. Everything.
So this year, same as every year, remember to leave a burning bag of dog shit out for JFK, just in case he comes back to life.