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November 15, 2016

Thanksgiving is right around the corner and we need to give thanks to the man who started it all.

Thanksgiving is coming up which means it’s time to send gifts of gratitude to The King of Thanksgiving. Nobody is quite sure why we honor The King of Thanksgiving, we all just know that giving him praise is the most important part of the holiday.

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The King of Thanksgiving leading the 2001 Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade. This was a particularly memorable parade, being the first since 9/11.

A hermit by nature, The King of Thanksgiving spends his life in a dank cave located in Spruce Creek, Pennsylvania. He stays withdrawn from society for religious reasons. However, once a year for Thanksgiving, He will emerge.

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A time honored tradition.

It is a tradition for The President of the United States to visit The King of Thanksgiving, delivering him a brand new NFL regulation football. Harry S. Truman was the first President to visit The King of Thanksgiving. We think his legacy has something to do with World War II. Again, we don’t really know. Every President since WWII has given him gifts. Every President except John F. Kennedy, that is. JFK was shot in the fucking head because he didn’t show his respect. That’s why he’s fucking dead.

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Lyndon B. Johnson made sure to meet with Him after his predecessor was blown away. (Left to Right: The King of Thanksgiving’s translator, The King of Thanksgiving, LBJ)

Our great county owes it all to this humble man. Everything.

— Jimmy Carter, 39th POTUS
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In 2009, The King of Thanksgiving insisted on no photography during his meeting with President Obama. Here is a computer rendering of that historic day.

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Here is a first. The King of Thanksgiving has never meet with a President-Elect until now. He said he just couldn’t wait to meet with Donald Trump because, as a white-male mormon, he voted for him.

So this year, same as every year, remember to leave a burning bag of dog shit out for JFK, just in case he comes back to life.

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