Tuesday night, yet another in a recent surge of baseball fights broke out in Baltimore. After throwing inside to Orioles 3rd baseman Manny Machado in a previous at bat, Royals pitcher Yordano Ventura decided to go ALL THE WAY inside in the next at bat and drill Machado in the ribs with a 99mph fastball. Machado charged the mound and punched away!
Look at those boys wrestle!
And they aren’t the only little rascals brawling on the diamond. Check out these punches thrown a few weeks ago:
America’s pastime has a rich and storied history of violence between boys who can’t be polite when they’re playing. From bean balls to home plate collisions to charging the mound and kind of getting pretty close to half hitting someone with a real deal punch. But after 177 years of organized games, Baseball Boys have settled on a fail safe formula for how baseball fights break out. Below is a helpful, step-by-step guide to all baseball fights ever.
Step 1 - Fun & Games
Baseball Boys play a game.When they do well, they get happy!
Step 2 - Grumpy Old Boys
The Old Boys watching the game don’t like when other people get happy. “Someone needs to teach them a lesson” one Old Boy says while staring at his Young Boy.
Step 3 - Happy Boys Make Grumpy Boys
One Baseball Boy does a good job and gets happy. Other Baseball Boys on the field hate it when any boy gets happy.
Step 4 - Teach-A-Lesson-Boys
After being taught at a young age that Old Boys know better, the Baseball Boys know what they need to do: become Teach-A-Lesson-Boys.
Step 5 - Identify The Good And The Bad Boys
Boys in baseball should not be happy or do happy things when they do good. They should be angry and focused.
Step 6 - Bean-A-Boy
The boy with the ball throws it at the boy with the stick. Uh-oh spaghetti!
Step 7 - FIGHT!
The Baseball Boy who got hit remembers how an Old Boy told him to not get hit without hitting back so the beaned Baseball Boy runs at the Baseball Boy beaner and tries to punch him. Oops-a-daisy!
Step 8 - More Boys!
Here come all the Other Boys!
Step 9 - Even More Boys
AND here come the Bullpen Boys*!
*Bullpen Boys have to sit behind the wall, far away. Not because they’ve been bad. Because they’re freaks.
…Ok now they’re here…
…but they’re out of breath because the Freak Boys don’t run good.
Step 10 - Get In Trouble
The Rules Boys have something to say.
Listen up, boys! You might get punished.
Step 11 - Go To Your Room
Now only the Good Boys can play. The Bad Boys have to go back to their clubhouse and think about what they did.
(And pay a ten thousand dollar fine)
Step 12 - Guess Who’s Next?
Which good boy will be the next bad boy????
And that’s the sequence of events for–and the reason why–every baseball fight has ever happened: Baseball Boys throw Bean Balls which lead to Boy Brawls.
A beautiful American tradition unlike any other!