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February 02, 2017

15) Worse-Food and Less-Football Thanksgiving

There’s an important football game this weekend, but for regulatory reasons, it’s safer to avoid referring to it by its official name. Here are 50 generic options to use instead:

1. The Big Game
2. The Championship
3. Sunday’s Showdown
4. Football Sunday
5. Your Pigskin Party
6. The Gridiron Finals
7. The Football Season Finale
8. America’s Most Popular Sporting Event
9. The Never Explicitly Specified Athletic Challenge
10. The Super You-Know-What
11. The You-Know-What Bowl
12. The World’s Longest Football Game
13. The Mandatory Sports Night
14. The Strange Reason for a Party if You’re Not Actually from Two Specific Places
15. Worse-Food and Less-Football Thanksgiving
16. Heavy Appetizers With Friends Night
17. The Momentary Distraction from the National Meltdown
18. The Beyoncé’s Pregnancy of Football
19. The Arbitrary Occasion to Make Multi-Layer Dip
20. The Event Sadly More Popular Than Voting
21. The Ill-Advised Flu Season Communal Finger Food Event
22. The Double-Dipper Witch Hunt
23. The Big Tweeting About Commercials Contest
24. Salsa Comparison Sunday
25. Corn Chip Christmas
26. Light Beer Hanukkah
27. Large Serving Bowl Kwanzaa
28. Abdominal Discomfort Monday Eve
29. The Friend’s Bathroom Air Freshener Challenge
30. The Friend’s Toilet Paper Preference Discovery
31. The Uncomfortable GoDaddy Commercial this Soon after the Women’s March
32. The Excessive Beer and Chips Advertising Excuse
33. National Concussion Non-Observance Day
34. The Darkest Day for the Pizza and Wings Place Employee
35. The Inevitable Group Conversation About Who’s Using Blue Apron
36. The Probably the Patriots vs. Somebody
37. The Big Night the Hilarious Person Shouts “Sports!” To Show They’re Not Invested in this Thing
38. The Sharing the Loveseat with the Weird Guy Lottery
39. The Big Revelation (of how anal your friend is about using coasters)
40. The Thing That If Syrian Refugees Were Good at, We Would Never Even Consider Banning Them
41. The Oscar Night of Football
42. The Opposite of the Oscar Night of Football in Terms of Racial Diversity
43. The Annual Attempt At Explaining Football Rules as Courtship
44. The Time ESPN2 Could Get Away With Airing Hardcore Porn
45. The Good Time to go to Walmart
46. Workplace Hangover Awareness Night
47. Better Pay the Babysitter Double Sunday
48. The S-p-r B-wl
49. The Sooper Bul
50. The Screw it. I’ll Finally Go See La La Land Instead