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August 24, 2016
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The Bachelor franchise leftovers go to Paradise to get drunk together, fight, and bang out.

We begin with a calm morning in Paradise. Jared reflects on how much he loves getting to know Caila. He continues to believe that Paradise is some sort of alternate romance universe as he says to her, “Time flies in Paradise.”

Suddenly, the sun is covered by clouds. A monkey screams. The crabs run away as…

Ashley CrI. Enters Paradise

Lord Harrison: “It wouldn’t be Paradise without you… What brings you to town?”

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What brings a virgin such as yourself to Whore Island? Have I mentioned yet that you’re a virgin? I get 10K for each mention.

Ashley describes how her unrequited love with Jared has been holding her back. Lord Harrison: “But you guys have hooked up?” Ashley CrI: “I don’t know what he’s told you…”

Lord Harrison demands she describe it in baseball bases and she says “Second base.”

Lord Harrison: “The crying. How’s that going?” Ashley CrI.: “My goal in this season is to only cry three times.” A girl’s gotta have goals. Ashley CrI: “Even though we are such close friends it’s just ‘Eh, why aren’t we together?’ Like that question will kind of always haunt me until Jared’s technically my boyfriend.”

That question will kind of always haunt me until I’m technically wearing a coat made out of his skin tbh.

Ashley CrI: “My worst fear is Jared being head-over-heels in love with someone because that would be a lot for me to deal with.” What can go wrong? Ashley JUMPS back into Jared’s life and shouts, “Hey! Don’t kill me!”

Hey! Don’t kill me! Is this the start of our love story?

Jared’s confessional: “My heart stopped for a second. It was shocking.” Jared didn’t know his BFF was coming?

Jared to Ashley: “We went on a date. It went well. I’m kinda hanging out with Caila.”

Ashley CrI’s confessional: “I cannot have him be in love with Caila because that would be fine if he was on the other side of the country and we weren’t friends because there’s still too many feelings there.” She pulls the Twins to the side to chat even though she doesn’t know which one is which.

Emily, Haley, I want to speak to whichever one of you will pls tell me Jared hasn’t LOOKED at another girl.

Ashley asks Twin Emily about Jared: “It got stolen very pretty quickly.” Ashley is pissed because apparently Caila told her she wasn’t coming to Paradise AND that Jared wasn’t her type.

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I knew Jared was going on a show hoping to find love but I never conceived he would actually be SUCCESSFUL even though he’s my DREAM MAN?!

Ashley I: “This is the worst scenario"though she’d thought of "every possible bad scenario.”

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Sarah: “She’s been crying since she got here.” Carly imitates her.

Jared is upset he’s once again causing the tear floods in Paradise this year.

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Sarah: “This is the most soul-crushing experience for Ashley to see Jared have feelings for Caila and I think she’s going insane.” Ashley CrI cannot stop crying and goes and talks to a producer.

Ashley: “I think I should just go. Do you think I should go?”

They make the producer appear to be a parrot and they give it dialogue, one step above the Raccoon/Claire conversations of BIP’s past.

Ashley CrI, a true BIP vet, is aware of this tradition: “You know they’re going to make you a raccoon.”

Jared tries to calm Ashley down and asks if she’s looked at her date card.

How could I even LOOK at a piece of paper when you’re off with Caila?!

How is it possible that Ashley I and Jared are still having this same conversation? Is this staged?

Ashley: “She’s a back-stabbing whore of a friend.”

I really Swimfanned this up, didn’t I…

Jared: “You could take Daniel out!” Ashley: “That’s my only choice!”

Damn Daniel poses on the beach, waiting for Ashley CrI to approach him. Ashley asks Daniel out while she’s still crying.

Ashley reads him the card that references sacrifice. Damn Daniel: “We could sacrifice a newborn calf!” Damn Daniel tells Sarah he’s going on the date with Ashley.

Meanwhile Ashley bitches to Jorge about being stuck going out with Damn Daniel. Jorge: “He’s a hotter guy.” Jorge references Daniel’s bigger tits.

Jorge just gets women. WE ALL ABOUT DEM TITTAYS!!!

A storm brews. Grant’s confessional: “Ashley and Daniel going on a date together could quite possibly be the most entertaining thing anybody could ever see.”

Vile Nick Viall: “I’m not really sure what happens when you put an alien and a virgin together.”

Alien’s Date with a Virgin

Ashley CrI: “Other than being a Canadian, what do you do?” Damn Daniel: “Eat maple syrup, you know.”

Damn Daniel: “Someone said you’re a virgin.” “Yeah.” “Is it still true?” “Yeah.” Damn Daniel: “Is it a religious thing?” She says she’s waiting for a committed relationship.

Damn Daniel: “Are you interested in having sex in the near future? You curious at all?”

I just said I’m waiting to be in a committed relationship but sure why not get it done with my bellybutton-obsessed last choice on this reality TV show.

Damn Daniel: “You don’t swing both ways?”

Damn Daniel: “I do. Only on Fridays though.”

Damn Daniel says for this Friday he’d pick Nick Viall as he’s “experienced”. He asks if Ashley still likes Jared. Ashley: “I call him my boyfriend who doesn’t touch me.”

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More of a stand-in for when Jared finally realizes he will never have true peace until he deflowers me.

Back in Paradise, Jared’s now finding that Caila is holding back to not offend Ashley I.

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Ashley CrI: “I’m the Virgin that cries a lot.” Damn Daniel: “People are just jelly of you.”

They call me the sex-crazed Canadian lunatic but again, just the JE-LLY talking!

Damn Daniel: “It’s just because you’re beautiful. They’re jealous. They hate you ‘cause they ain’t you.”

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Damn Daniel makes a face like a vampire from Buffy.

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Damn Daniel: “The fact that she’s a virgin is kind of a big turn on.”

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Damn Daniel’s confessional: “Maybe I’m the right guy. And I could deflower this American beauty. You know, does she want some Canadian sex?”

It should be right down around there– yep, it’s still here!

Damn Daniel: “Does she want some Canadian bacon with maple syrup drizzled on it? Maybe some Canadian bacon and sausage. Maybe she wants some Canadian poutine. I might get frisky here pretty quick. Real frisky.”

Suddenly a bunch of people dressed in traditional Aztec garb storm in playing music and chanting.

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They yell, “It’s time to sacrifice a virgin!”

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They then lift her in her chair and carry her out.

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Damn Daniel just sits there. There is absolutely no follow-up or explanation to this incredibly gross virgin-shaming which simultaneously simplifies and mocks an entire culture. Damn Daniel is as stunned as Bachelor Nation and keeps eating.

Did they just go there? Oh, I guess they did…

The Next Day…

Ashley CrI is still sobbing to the Twins about Jared despite being kidnapped in the middle of her date last night. This guy?

Ashley: “Weeks can’t get much worse than this unless somebody dies.” TRUE DAT!

Vile Nick Viall: “I’m still hoping to meet someone who’s like, fun and super hot.” We get fun and super hot music as…

Jen Enters Paradise

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Twins: “Jen is hot. Jen is fucking hot.”

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Vile Nick Viall’s down for the cause. My researchers are telling me that Nick only went on the show FOR Jen and misled Sexy-baby-voiced Amanda in order to stay on until she got there. CLASSIC VILE NICK VIALL!!!

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And it’s soooo weird she’s here!

The Twins try to explain all the relationships to Jen.

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Damn Daniel offers to pay her in Canadian dollars if she takes him on the date.

To cover for the fact that I say massively inappropriate things 1000% of the time.

Vile Nick Viall: “Right now I just have a bunch of friends.”

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Jen picks Nick. Meanwhile, the Medic has told Dick Pastor Evan he needs to go to the hospital for his swollen ankles. Dick Pastor Evan at first says he can power through it, but then, gets an ingenious idea.

Dick Pastor Evan: “Carly may be the only medicine that I need.”

And in that moment, everyone in Bachelor Nation felt violated at the exact same time.

Vile Nick Viall’s Date with Jen

Jen and Nick go on a boring AF date on a boat. She tells him her one fun fact about dolphins that they’re the only other animal to have sex for pleasure.

You like that dolphin fact Nick? They’re also the only female animals that PREFER beta males if you know what I mean.

They make out as crabs attack them.

Their date is so boring that we cut to…

Carly and Dick Pastor Evan go to the Hospital!

Carly: “Do you want me to go with you?”

Dick Pastor Evan: “You don’t have to. But sure why not?”

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Carly looks in Evan’s ear in the hospital.

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There’s thousands of tiny limp dicks in there.

Him faking another crisis does the trick for Carly. Carly: “I’m back on the Evan train.”

Sometimes if a train is the only possible train you can take and you completely give up on any other train ever working out, you learn to like this train.

Cocktail Party

Are you worried that Ashley CrI has stopped crying?

This gif isn’t even on loop, she just keeps doing this.

Good. ‘Cause she doesn’t.

Even these sticky tissues I stole from Jared’s trashcan aren’t doing the trick for me anymore! Wah.

Jared tries to get his girlfriend of 1 day, Caila, to ignore the sobbing girl 30 feet away from them.

Meanwhile, Ashley loses it when Vile Nick Viall asks why she wasn’t more prepared for this outcome.

Nick valiantly tries to give Ashley a reality check.

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I’ll tell you the same thing I tell all my therapists, SHHHH!!!

As hard as Nick tries, he’s not getting through. Ashley pulls Jared aside.

And you KNOW I will kill myself if you penetrate another woman.

With that jawline… And that blasé personality where you can just fill it in your head to be anything… And that utter disdain for me romantically… How will I find ANY of these qualities again?!

Time flies in Paradise. Cockblocking does NOT, however.

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To be continued…

Twitter if you want updates on when I post the recaps: @pacecase

Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 4

Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 3

Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 2

Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 1

Jojo’s #1 Beau: A Recap of The Bachelorette Finale

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