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You're an out and proud gay comedian and...well, let's show the Funny Or Die universe if they doubt your homosexual tendencies.

*INSERT PHOTO* of Jordan drunk on New Year's Eve in Harry Styles' basement

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Let's be honest for a minute. Did you turn gay because you saw Lena Dunham naked on HBO?

No, I turned gay because I saw the guy Lena Dunham is screwing on HBO. I’ll take two to go, please! Well that, and the fact that I thoroughly enjoy the taste of penis 1 to 3 times a week.

Girls isn't the first controversial TV show of its generation. The Flintstones was pretty homosexual: "We'll have a gay old time."

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Barney Rubble, prehistoric homosexual

All along, was Betty Rubble a coverup for Barney's midnight gay bar runs...or was he more into drag queening? I mean, seriously, the man wore a prehistoric cardboard dress tapering off at the ankles ? in front of his wife.

If you’re referencing The Flintstones, you’re too old to be talking to me. I just found out “My Prerogative” was written by some guy with a flat top and no teeth, and not Britney Spears. It should be her song… I mean it’s blatantly better. Though they both seem to be fond of headsets.

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As Jordan learned, Harry Styles has a thing for men working out in horse masks.

An unbearable student council guy at my high school wound up getting a girl pregnant five times out of wedlock back then, married her and is now a slob driving around his five ugly children in a hideous used minivan last I'm told. None of this drama would've happened had he known how awesome it is being gay. What else is better about being gay?

Being gay is awful.  “It gets better”… it gets worse. Have you ever seen an 82 year old gay man wearing a velour jumpsuit perched at gay bar, eyes fixated on a 22 year old gogo dancer? I have. After 40 it’s just sweat and sequins. Believe me, It gets worse.

Pat Robertson of "700 Club" fame thinks lesbians shouldn't be allowed inside your house, or your children will become gay. I am certain it's the opposite for a million straight eighth grade boys Googling the word "sexy lesbians." Besides enriching our youth's first solo sexual experiences (as in with themselves and a laptop), how else do bi/gay men and women benefit the religious community? Right away, my own feeling is they should understand how we could reduce the number of abortions in our country if only more people became gay. What are your thoughts on our nation's gays and the religious right?

Religion = Love. All religion should represent and display the common denominator that is love.  I’m my own religion, and the religion is called drunk. I’m a spiritual person and consider myself religious because I believe in a higher power. I don’t know how to explain this higher power, but I can feel it around me all the time.  As long as we have pop stars, we’ll be fine. 

Let's move on to celebrity gossip. How do you think Justin Bieber's time in jail went? Any advice to him? OK, I'm going to say it. Would you have done anything inappropriate with him in the cell, or you not a Belieber?

The thing that blows my mind is that he waited till he was 19 to break all these laws. If you’re going to get high, have dilated pupils and drag race through a residential area, do it at 17. Being a minor is like having a “get out of jail free” card, even more than the celebrity  “get out of jail for free card.  Today’s Lesson Learned: 8 Balls of Coke are for Minors.

I’ve never met Bieber, but I would happily let him stuff with me any sort of drug related paraphernalia if he was in a pinch…

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Another real news headline: "Man Says Too-Big Bulge Got Him Kicked Out Of “Sexist” Public Pool." As expected, the local city council said, "The man in question is NOT comedian Jordan Pease" in response to your claims it was you.

What's your opinion? COME ON.

Stop acting like Quakers! INDULGE IN A BULGE! Open your eyes and relish in the spirit of a large scrotum; they’re hard to come by. Embrace God’s gifts, but get their name and number first! ;)

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Ke$ha is not allowed to receive human teeth for her artwork in rehab. Is that why I spy missing teeth in your mouth today? The gummy look is so becoming on you, by the way. (^_^) *Japanese emoji ninja strike*

Has anyone ever loved your comedy so much, they ripped out all their teeth for your toothy necklaces? I'm tempted to try it, but I need to get my cosmetic dentistry done first. You'll have to wait until I get veneers.

I’d be totally fine with being the Ke$ha of comedy. No need to send me teeth though. If you want to buy my sweaty underwear post show that’s fine with me! My going rate is $50, and thanks to creeps in Boise and St. Louis, I’m up a hundred bucks.  I can’t make any promises there wont be any stains and/or hot-cheetoh dust on the lining, but hey that’s all part of the fun.

Most of my fans just invite me to hot-box their Prius with their significant other while I’m still performing.

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Jordan spends his sugar daddy's money at Kitson...dating Alex Trebek pays off!

Returning to where we started, I don't mean to imply body shaming here. It's a matter of Lena Dunham shooting awfully unflattering sex scenes and employing the worst clothing stylist on earth. What's the worst outfit you have ever worn that, well, didn't properly hug your womanly curves?

One time I thought it would be hysterical to wear a bright red kimono covered in gold embroidered dragons to SFO Thanksgiving weekend.  TSA had mistaken me for Yoko Ono.  I looked like a cheap IKEA lantern hanging on the side of Jack Shack Massage Parlor. Nonetheless, I missed my flight.

*LOOKING AT MY HANDS, STRESSING*...how did Jordan Pease get into my wardrobe closet!??!!  :O

 

ABOUT US

JORDAN PEASE is a standup comedian who's insulted audiences' intellect and money at The Laugh Factory. He's only doing this because my first choice was unavailable. James Franco was getting into character on weed and...oh, right, there isn't a Pineapple Express sequel in the works yet??! You mean, he stood me up!!?! GRRR.....James Franco is just another Vince Spadea, I tell you!!!

I am NICOLE RUSSIN. I spend most of my days doing journalism for places away from Funny Or Die. I am going to be the most famous bad writer to ever make it in Hollywood since Ben Affleck. One day, I hope I look half as good as Borat in a bikini.

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