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September 16, 2010

Making the walk of shame as classy as possible.

It’s late and you get a text from that cute girl that sits in front of you in biology, or maybe it’s that really cute guy you keep asking for “help” in algebra that lives on the other side of campus. They have sent you texts saying, “hey, wanna hang out? ;)” Well my friend, NOBODY just hangs out late at night. Opportunity is knocking, or rather texting you. Well what are you waiting for, CARPE DIEM!!!! SEIZE THE DAY……er….um …….NIGHT!!!! Now that you are taking part in the age old tradition of the college hookup, you’ll also be taking part in another college tradition, The Walk of Shame. It’s ok, we’ve all been there. Typically you’re not taking that walk alone anyway. But instead of having the look of a hungover hot mess that had a rough night you can prepare yourself. Below is just a simple list to make the night of and the morning after go as smooth as possible.


1.BE SURE you bring that condom your cousin’s girlfriends brothers neighbor gave you at your high school graduation that has made a permanent imprint on your wallet. It should totally work right? 

2.Ask her if she has a condom. You don’t want to waste the above mentioned lucky condom. We know she’s totally hot, but she’s totally not the only chick you’re gonna bang this semester. At least you hope…..

3.Dress like a bro. Chicks dig popped collars and backwards hats. Also no one judges if there’s a beer stain already on it or if you smell because everyone will just assume it’s your ratted bill backwards baseball hat that you never wash. 

4.Take gum. You gotta have good breath when youre talking to other girls doing the walk of shame. Wait, don’t tell me you thought whatsherface from last night was the one? Please, its college. 

5.Steal something from her. How else are your buddies gonna believe you actually banged that sorostitute? Preferably take an undergarment like panties. They easily fit in pockets. Keep as trophy.

6.Do damage control. Send her a facebook message telling her what a great time you had and pre apologize for your roommates, you know in case they say something about her, which come on we all know they will. You don’t want to blow your chances for future hook ups with her or her friends.

Alright ladies you are a little more fortunate than the guys because of your ability to accessorize. Pre packing is key. Here are some basic things you should keep in mind.
1.Bring hair ties. Sure fire quick fix to getting crazy hair into not so much of a mess. Also increases believability you’re just running late to an 8 AM.

2.Wear sneakers or flats. Nothing screams “trying too hard” than heels, and that obnoxious clicking noise they make on any hard surface plus the echo in a hallway if you’re in a dorm just drags attention to yourself. If your boy lives in an area on campus where you have to pass through a courtyard or lawn, well they’ll just drag you down like you are walking home through whore quicksand. 

3.Bring sunglasses. They make it harder for people to recognize you during your walk of shame and are especially helpful if you drank the night before or didn’t get much sleep on his top bunk twin size mattress with the teenage mutant ninja turtles sheets. 

4.Keep all of your belongings together in an oversize purse by the door. You can load up this bag with morning after essentials such as perfume, make-up, and a toothbrush if necessary. You want to keep the bag by the door so you can leave as quickly and pain free as possible to avoid roommates and/or frat brothers. Nothing is more awkward than having to try to make small talk as you try to find your cell phone and shoes. 

5.If you came with underwear on, leave with underwear on. Enough said. He might act like a gentleman to your face but he’ll still gladly have that “sixteen Candles” moment where he holds your underwear up in front of all his friends. 

6.Just because he slept with you does not mean he likes you. This does not mean he is thinking about getting into a relationship with you. Do not text him after he leaves just to say hey or “see how he’s doing”. He saw, he conquered, and most important to him he came