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October 25, 2010

Tricks of the trade

There are many reasons why people get married. Some people are trying to stay in the country. Other people have gotten pregnant. Some people have been tricked. All of these are good reasons to get married. However you begin your life together, you will need some advice on how to make your marriage work. Marriage is like a plant you must continue to nourish and love. Like a plant, you may have to nourish it with manure and fish heads to make it grow. Perhaps you will have to buy it lingere and role play as a dock worker and English barmaid.

Here are some tips on how to fertilize your marriage.

Problem: Your new wife doesn't feel special.
Solution: On your wedding day give your wife a broom as a gift. On your anniversary, buy her a vacuum.
Outcome: She feels like a princess.

Problem: Your new wife doesn't feel like you're spending enough time with her.
Solution: Buy a stopwatch and use it everytime you're with her, counting up the time at the end of the week.
Outcome: At the end of the week, she'll see how much time and care you put into spending time with her and she'll love you for being so practical about her problem.

Problem: Your new wife is trying to get pregnant and you don't want to.
Solution: The butt.
Outcome: She'll love you experimenting with her.

Problem: Your new husband is saying he wants to buy a boat while you want to buy a house.
Solution: Let him buy the boat. Then he mysteriously disappears at sea.
Outcome: New house and new husband.

Problem: Your new husband wants you to be more like typical girl - cook, clean, raise kids, etc.
Solution: Challenge him to find any girl that cooks, cleans, or raises kids anymore. Most girls I know don't know how to microwave a Hot Pocket.
Outcome: He has to learn how to cook and clean. Then he becomes YOUR bitch.

Problem: Your husband wants kids and you don't.
Solution: Find a hula-hoop and challenge him to "do it" with the toy. Tell him that's what it will be like after you have a baby.
Outcome: No baby.

Problem: Your wife would like to see a "chick flick" with you (something like Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants or something).
Solution: Go to see the movie, but remark (loudly) the entire time about how hot all the girls in the movie are. Refer to them by name. Continue to talk about how good looking they were in the following weeks. Compare them to your wife.
Outcome: Small upfront investment yields dividends. No more chick flicks.