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Published August 17, 2011
PLANE DELAYS

"Flight 2672 has currently been delayed by 1 hour." Awful right? Well before you throw down your latte in rage and demand a refund think about a few things...

 Flying: No Big Deal right?

You like big numbers? I know I do. The Boeing 747 can weigh around 80 tons when it’s empty. So 160,000 lbs. So big right now. Yet this monster can somehow get in the air with wings nowhere near large enough to support it.

But a plane has turbine/jet/engine thingies, right?

Let me tell you something. I am an engineer. I am taking a class on turbines, and with any luck I’ll be taking it again. And I can assure you, they don’t make any sense. The only conclusion I can draw from the notes I fit between drawings of my professor getting chased by velociraptors is that turbines suck airborne magic particles out of the air and turn them into lucky charms and thrust.

    All of this technical stuff is a bit much I know, but when that plane is delayed wait a sec before you strangle that apathetic prick behind the microphone. This plane is going hundreds of miles an hour trying to get to you, so chill. And remember that’s an 80 ton tube, even without your fat ass getting on. And as our great historian/comedian/masturbator Louis CK stated, it used to take years to get from the east coast to California. And he continues “a bunch of you would die on the way there..” . He’s right of course. And let’s face it, if you’re lose it over a 20 minute delay you probably would have been one of the first casualties on the Yukon trail.

When the plane is delayed due to weather, think about it before you reach for the uzi. Let’s say it’s a rainstorm. If you drive your car into a storm, and the wind and rain gets intense, you could always pull over. Even if you get hit by lightning you can be ok. Due to your car’s insulation and other magic the lightning probably won’t even enter your car. Many have survived to tell the tale at otherwise unbearably dull office parties. Same thing with a boat. Chances aren’t as good here as the waves could get big, but if it’s a “little rainstorm” you should be alright. If you get disabled or things get too intense just call the coast guard to get you. After all they’re a pretty hot crew. Bay Watch? Those were the ones not attractive enough to get into the Coast Guard.

Ok, now what do you think happens if a plane loses either control or an engine when you’re in flight? Let’s say at a cruising altitude of um I don’t know, let’s go for average… 35,000 feet? So 6 miles in the sky? And beginning to freefall? I’m sure when something like that happens it’s crazy in that plane. Probably like the movies, a lot of screaming is involved and if there are 200 passengers statistics tell us at least 10 will crap themselves, which will be the last thing you smell before impact. So don’t say “all this delay for a friggin’ rainstorm.” Also, don’t say “friggin”. It’s like bringing a plastic spork to a gunfight.

 

EMAIL IS SLOW

                Oh no the email isn’t going through? Taking too long? Pause. Let’s rewind to the Pony Express. Now this job had to suck. Riders would take letters across multiple states knowing full well the letters may not even be relevant anymore by the time they got there.

             

    And of course no one feels sorry for the riders. They had it easy. The horses were the ones being screwed here. I can only imagine a Virginian horse looking into the bag of letters for the day and saying:

                “What the – Wisconsin!?? And it has to get there by TOMORROW?!?” then looks to see the overweight colonial in tights pick up a saddle. Unsurprisingly it was soon realized that the horses were pretending they had broken their legs in hopes of being shot.

                Are you currently being ridden by some dude across state lines while he’s whipping your sides and singing drinking songs out of key? If you can do that and still read this article you’ve got talent.

 

THE POWER GOES OUT

 

    Now this kind of thing can get a little complaining because it just gets worse. It plays on your habits. If the power goes out, you have this moment of “Oh God no..” as you can envision all of those things that made your life livable disappearing. No more TV, no more XBOX, no more microwave. Yet after that you keep going from room to room looking for that one flashlight you knew you should have put somewhere more convenient and each time you enter a room you flick the switch. Of course nothing happens. It’s like mother nature is laughing at you, “That’s ok stupid! Try the next one!”

                Even so remember this: Generators. They’re out there. Get one. Cause you’ll need that to get the computer running so you can get that email confirming your soon to be cancelled flight tomorrow.

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