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Published November 29, 2009


I was shocked, even gob-smacked, after reading my Saturday morning’s paper. The pristine squeaky clean image of an American icon had been smeared and besmirched, all because of a little fender bender on his front lawn. Yes, I was surprised to see that Tiger Woods had finally “jumped the shark” and all of the Fifth Estate were a twitter trying to nail down the who’s, the what’s, the why’s and the wherefore’s! The CNN brain-trust must have been orgasmic with this breaking news.

 I guess the National Enquirer, that Pulitzer Prize chasing wannabe, set the ball to rolling with their recent expose linking Mr. Wood’s wood with VIP Hostess Rachel Uchitel. Knowing that Tiger is all too familiar with “links”, the whole scenario kind of makes you wonder.

We won’t know the whole truth and nothing but the truth until all of the information is released but, no matter, all of the rumors are great grist for the Gossip Columnist’s mill.

Here’s Tiger, living the high life in that gated compound, confronted by a women scorned; namely, his consort, one Elin Nordegrin. She grabs one of those drivers with the “Big Bertha” heads and tells ole Tiger she’s about to drive his noggin a way more than 300 yards, in fact, she expects splashdown somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico.

Tiger, knowing that concussions are the bane of all sport’s injuries, grabs the keys to the Caddy and exits stage right. But, nay, nay, my good friends, little Elin is right behind him in hot pursuit. After all, she is athletic and lithe. She runs down the driveway, chasing the smitten PGA icon, whilst pounding the Be-Jesus out of Tiger’s SUV’s backside window.

No wonder Tiger lost control, took out a fire hydrant and slammed into a neighbor’s tree. I’ve seen many of his golf shots take the exact same trajectory. “Four to Six thousand dollars damage,” the paper is quoted as saying, but in my mind, that a mounts to a few scratches on a Cadillac SUV.

The officers said Tiger was babbling incoherently. We’ll I guess so. No one talks straight when they’ve been caught with their pants down. All the lawyers in central Florida, at that very moment, were dreaming of Carl Sagan’s immortal words, “Billions and billions and billions!”

Somehow I don’t think Tiger is going to be able to scramble out of the rough on this one. I’ll also be disappointed if the allegations are true and Tiger wasn’t able to keep his wood in his bag. Hey, he may lose some big sponsorship contracts over this but he can always pick up others like E-Harmony, Viagra, Cialis and Durex. And the jokes, well let’s start one off here.

“We all know Tiger can drive long but this just proves again that Tiger can’t drive straight!”   

But, you know, I can identify with Tiger’s plight. You see, I too live in a kind of compound. Pinegrove is a cluster of 100 homes, nestled in the country, somewhere between Podunk and Hooterville. We are neither the rich, nor the famous. We don’t have gates or our own very own police force but we do have our “scandalous incidents”.  You’ll see none of them on CNN but a few might be featured in the Simcoe Reformer.

Here’s just a few that I think are worthy of some headline news.

Gun Shots Heard After Midnight: Brothers on a Rampage    

This incident occurred just after we moved here from the city. It was well past midnight when I was awakened by the sound of yelling and screaming and door slamming pandemonium. The words I heard had me thinking about diving under the bed.

“Why did you leave, you idiot? We’ve got to go back there,” Brother #1 exclaimed.

“But he smashed my window and kept trying to attack me after I hit him,” Brother #2 responds.

“I’m getting the gun,”  Brother #1 screams. “Get back in the car. We’re going back after him. He might be injured and laying in the ditch!”

Peeking out the window, I see mom and dad, ringing there hands at the side of the car. Brother #1 is carrying a rifle and with a screech and a roar that vehicle takes off into the dark night. My heart was pounding in my chest and my imagination was running wild.

Well, I just happened to teach at the same school with the boy’s mom, so I found it quite awkward the next day. Finally, I gathered up enough courage to ask what all the commotion was over at their house the night before.

The explanation was quite simple.

Son #2 had bumped into a five-point buck on his way home and the enraged deer attacked his car by ramming his antlers into the windows, smashing several of them. After escaping, and giving the deer another good bump, the young lad drove home. His brother, an avid hunter, recognized that venison steaks were but a mile away and bagging an injured buck would be like shooting fish in a barrel. They were off to profit from some road kill, something not unheard of in these parts. There’s nothing as tasty as Smear of Deer for Sunday sit-down dinner, especially when you’ve been having a lot of Flat Cat in the interim.

Officer’s Wife Creates Driveway Havoc

This one kind of puts me in mind of the Tiger incident.

I have several neighbors who are Ontario Provincial Police Officers. The couple next door are both cops and the dude across the street is also an officer. Makes you feel sort of safe in an oppressive kind of way, that is, if you are contemplating the use of illegal substances and the like.

Well, the officer across the street went away with the boys on a deer hunt. You see a lot of guys down here head out to camps in the far North in search of deer or moose every fall.

One of the hunters left his beautiful new fancy-dancy truck in said cop’s driveway.

Now the wife, who is now home with two little kids, and who works as a manager at a Pizza joint, has her hands full to say the least. I’m raking leaves on the front lawn as she is hustling to get the kiddies in the car, doffs her Pizza place ball cap and loads the mini van with assorted sundries. I can tell she’s running extremely late.

The van roars to a start, the gears are reversed and I watch as that lady drives full bore into the front end of that beautiful truck, sending it skidding backwards down the driveway.

Ooopsy!

She forgot about the $60 000 truck parked behind her.

Now I just happened to be in the yard when the husband and the buddy arrive home. Hey, we live in a Neighborhood Watch Community. I’m not a nosy busy body.

If I hadn’t seen the original incident how would I have sorted out this situation?

The wife runs from the house in tears, crying loudly and talking at the same time.

“I didn’t mean to hit him,” she wails. “The kids were being uncooperative and I was late for work. It just happened!”

“Hit who?” the husband asks, obviously thinking that one of his kids took on a whupping’ at the hands of psycho mom!

At that point, the poor lady’s words become a babbling brook of incomprehensibles. She waves her arms, stamps her feet and wails like a banshee.

What did the neighbors think? Oh, there would be a whole flurry of stories in the Pinegrove coconut telegraph; yet another scandal to get those lips flapping.

My point here is that, even if you are an eye witness, you never know the whole circumstances, and therefore your perception of an incident might be totally skewered and totally wrong. Heck, I had a list of at least 10 things that happened in our “Compound” that could have been misconstrued. I won’t bore you with the details. (Except maybe in future blogs)

So, let’s give old Tiger the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he was running out at 2:30 am to get lovely Elin a Dairy Queen treat, backed out quickly, saw Tiger Junior’s tricycle in the drive, swerved and rammed that fire hydrant and tree. The dutiful wife, seeing her love and keeper of her credit line trapped in his mangled SUV, grabbed Tiger’s trusted driver, and broke the glass to release him from certain embarrassment; a true story of love and redemption.

Or, if you’re like me, you can just watch CNN and enjoy the bafflegab.

Hi! HO!

JIMBO

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