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July 07, 2008
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Big Y Giving Rainchecks on Watermelon- Happiness Reported in the Bedroom

Jim McPartland

www.funnyordie.com/jbmcpart

 

My church, Crossroads Community, had its first service in a new location yesterday. To celebrate, each of us had to bring a breakfast item. My homework was a dozen bagels. Easy task. Go to grocery store, put in bag, pay, leave. At 7 in the morning the bagels are fresh and no one else is in the store.

As I walk in, there’s a sign that says ‘Rainchecks for Watermelons available at the courtesy desk’. I’m, like, what? How can you be out of watermelon on July 4rth weekend?

Then I remembered the news story from last week.

It seems there’s a chemical in watermelon, citrulline, that acts naturally like another fairly new medication—Viagra.

According to the report 6 cups of watermelon, which I figure is 3 good sized pieces, has the same reaction in men that Viagra does. Causes blood vessels relax. Everywhere. It’s not organ specific, but is there a problem with making your heart healthy while the General salutes?

I’m an ‘Average Joe/3-V* wannabe’ (thanks, Jackie). Most Average Joe’s don’t need Viagra, as I am proud to say I do not. My personal belief is if you keep yourself in reasonable shape, things work just fine. Chubby Chasers* are another story. Because these guys sit around in their 3 sizes too small Red Sox jerseys, swilling Coors Lite by the gallon and stuffing chicken wings with the bones in their mouths- they need help. Help loosening those blood vessels. My suggestion is they do a couple sit ups and work on tightening the mouth they stuff shit into constantly.

So because it tastes good- is refreshing—AND can loosen vessels, there’s been a run on watermelon like milk before a hurricane.

While at church, someone had sliced some watermelon up. I see these guys clawing over 6 year old girls to get at it, like ‘Dawn of the Dead’. Forget 6 cups, more like 13. It’s gone in :46 seconds. It does take a short while to kick in (unlike some wannabe Viagra’s who claim to act ‘right away’). I’m happy for that or the service would have been a tad too intense for me.

I saw the first ‘ED’ (note they now abbreviate it? Who wants to admit erectile dysfunction? ED is way hipper) commercial on the Super Bowl about 4 years ago when, at 6 PM on national television the infamous disclaimer of ‘If you experience an erection for more than 4 hours, call your doctor immediately’ was introduced. Erection for 4 hours? What? Are you saying you can please a woman that long without reaching the male pinnacle? I don’t mind long work outs but, ladies, 4 hours is a lot. I’ll go for 1, hit the electronic devices if that’s not enough, girls. If any of you guys have gone through this, I’d like the details.

So, as you’re in the grocery store this week- if they have watermelons- watch who’s buying them. The 40ish Mom with the slight grin on her face. Or the 50 year old Chubby with a look of desperation on his. I’ll be curious to hear.

 

*- my thanks to Southern Jewish Princess for the terms. Read her blog ‘Fat is In’. Also, she’s got a cool website for the funny gals- www.funnynotslutty.com. Good niche marketing SJP!

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