Subject: American Apparel Code of Conduct - PLEASE READ
Due to the recent firing of CEO Dov Charney, the Human Resources department has updated our American Apparel code of conduct effective immediately.
Changes have been outlined below.
- Casual Friday now requires underwear.
- If an employee refuses a coworker’s advances, he can only do it 10 or 11 more times before laying off.
- No more visible pubic hair! Ladies, you’re exempt from this as you shouldn’t have any in the first place.
- Models must now be paid in money.
- Models are no longer required to be dead.
- Stop asking female coworkers if they’re “on the rag”. Some aren’t of menstruating age yet so you’re embarrassing them.
- Drug Tests will continue but the results we want have changed.
- Everyone must watch a 90-minute video outlining our sexual harassment policy. It’s called “Spring Breakers” and it’s streaming on Amazon Prime.
- You can no longer cum on stuff.
- We are continuing with our Zero Tolerance Policy! (This is the policy where we only tolerate size zero.)
- You can now only call a coworker a bitch if she’s really being one.
- A lot of you have asked if we can still openly masturbate in the urinals. The short answer is yes. The long answer is “yes, of course.”
- Innuendo Tuesdays are cancelled though we won’t be disposing of the kitchen’s hilarious mugs shaped like breasts and cream dispensers shaped like dicks. This is an office, not a prison.
Thank you for your compliance and please direct all concerns to new CEO, Terry Richardson.
-American Apparel HR