Full Credits

Stats & Data

June 19, 2014

An exclusive look at the changes to American Apparel's Code of Conduct following the firing of Dov Charney.

To: list_serv@american-apparel.com
From: HR@american-apparel.com
Subject: American Apparel Code of Conduct - PLEASE READ

Due to the recent firing of CEO Dov Charney, the Human Resources department has updated our American Apparel code of conduct effective immediately.

Changes have been outlined below.

- Casual Friday now requires underwear.

- If an employee refuses a coworker’s advances, he can only do it 10 or 11 more times before laying off.

- No more visible pubic hair! Ladies, you’re exempt from this as you shouldn’t have any in the first place.

- Models must now be paid in money.

- Models are no longer required to be dead.

- Stop asking female coworkers if they’re “on the rag”. Some aren’t of menstruating age yet so you’re embarrassing them.

- Drug Tests will continue but the results we want have changed.

- Everyone must watch a 90-minute video outlining our sexual harassment policy. It’s called “Spring Breakers” and it’s streaming on Amazon Prime.

- You can no longer cum on stuff.

- We are continuing with our Zero Tolerance Policy! (This is the policy where we only tolerate size zero.)

- You can now only call a coworker a bitch if she’s really being one.

- A lot of you have asked if we can still openly masturbate in the urinals. The short answer is yes. The long answer is “yes, of course.”

- Innuendo Tuesdays are cancelled though we won’t be disposing of the kitchen’s hilarious mugs shaped like breasts and cream dispensers shaped like dicks. This is an office, not a prison.

Thank you for your compliance and please direct all concerns to new CEO, Terry Richardson.

-American Apparel HR