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November 30, 2011

The realization of Tim Tebow as an NFL player. Is he shitty, confused, or just fucking with us?


Like most decent Americans, I play fantasy football. I play in a Yahoo league with nine of my friends, and most of us have been doing it for nearly ten years now.
Don't want to lose your attention, so I'll keep this intro brief. This year starting about Week 7 in the NFL, I began covering our fantasy league as a one-man media outlet (FaNasty News, FN). I usually do two reports per week (while I sit on my ass at work--telesales) going over matchup results and then upcoming matchups--except for this particular article.
As "Tebow Time" began to sweep the nation with a force holier than thou, I (FN) promised to do a special report on Tebow if his Denver Broncos managed to beat the New York Jets (who happen to have a mistake for a quarterback and an asshole for a coach). I watched the entire Thursday Night Football game, and this article is the fruit of that said labor. 

FaNasty 11 Message Board

Tim Tebow: Feeble, Frazzled, or Fraud? (A FN Report)

Friday,11/18 1:30PM - As promised in yesterday's article, we bring to you an exclusive look inside the recent craze that is 'Tebow Mania.' In just five weeks, Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow has gone from third string Jesus freak to a 4-1 starter who is now the talk of the league. While we usually keep our work focused around the FaNasty league Tuesdays and Thursdays solely, we wanted to take this special time out to give you our expert analysis of Tim Tebow as a professional football quarterback. We have come to the conclusion that Tebow is one of the following three things. 

1. He sucks, plain and simple. He was a great college quarterback because he was a great athlete, rusher, and made big plays with his arm when he needed to--not to mention all of the talent that surrounded him. He is not an NFL quarterback, and the fact that he has beaten four teams this year is a shame on all four of those teams. That's like me having four white friends that can jump higher than me..that should never happen. He cannot pass the ball, and I would hate to be a receiver on his team. Their current situation is like if another team asked their backup running back to play quarterback. Chew on that. Conclusion number one here is widely believed by most analysts and players, but he makes them more and more incorrect every time he wins a game. Eventually in this case, he will not last in this league at the quarterback position because he should have never been playing quarterback in the first place. 

2. In case number two, Tim Tebow honestly thinks his receivers have hands where their feet are supposed to be. Yes, hands where their feet are supposed to be. I initially thought this about two weeks ago, but now I know it's true. Did you see the game last night? He threw damn near every ball at his receivers' feet, and then he would be all surprised when they didn't come up with the catch. Now since he still threw some passes to his receivers' actual hands for completions, he clearly knows that they have hands where hands usually are. Which means he does not believe they have feet (unless he thinks they're located somewhere else, which is a completely separate topic). But it also must mean that he thinks the hands located where feet usually are are better football-catching hands since he clearly prefers to throw to that pair. In this case, someone will need to tell Tebow sooner than later that they only have one pair of hands--located where hands usually are. Or maybe they should just show him their feet and hopefully then he'll get this message. This will either get him to spend more time throwing to his receivers' actual hands, or the reality of no feet-hands could destroy his life beyond the game of football. 

3. In the third and final case, Tim Tebow is actually far better than what we see for 90% of his games. The only reason why he bores us with option runs and piss-poor pass attempts is to build a Broncos deficit. He wants the other team to take the lead, but not by too much. If you digest this possibility, you'll notice more and more how obvious it is. He almost wants you to figure him out by the way he goes brain dead as a passing quarterback for pretty much the entire game and then magically snaps out of it just in time to win in dramatic fashion. He is meticulously manufacturing his legend as we speak. It's kind of like Superman wearing that white collar suit all the time when underneath he is a superhuman animal, capable of skull-fucking any person that dare cross his path. But he masks his talent until it's absolutely necessary, similar to Tebow being some average paper-pusher of a quarterback until he needs to actually try for a small period of time so his team can win. To say he is a good actor is a bit of a stretch. Once you take this case into account and watch him play, you'll walk away thinking he's Paul Walker caliber at very best (a shitty actor). It's a shame that he doesn't play full games like that, but I get it. This case seems to be who Tim Tebow really is, but I'll be damned if the previous two don't make a whole lotta sense. 

-FaNasty News