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June 05, 2013

The sad truth that every person needs to hear before they go and embarrass themselves in front of millions of people.

Every time I sit down and watch American Idol or The Voice (read:  twice ) I find myself wondering the same thing:  why?  Why is this a show, why is Cee-Lo Green wearing a polar bear on his back, and why, why, why must these "singers" come on and "sing" and do a metaphorical belly flop in front of 10 million people watching?

I mean sure, some people come on an audition, knock it out of the park, and the world falls in love with them.  Using that as your reason to try out for the show is a little bit like taking out a 9th mortgage on your house to gamble on the lottery and go "well, some people win".  Yes, some people do.  But you don't.  Because you are not very good at this.

Here's what I think needs to be a new rule in society:  if one of your friends (your real friends, that is.  If it's your fake friends, just let them fail because that's obviously hilarious) tells you they are going to audition on a reality TV show for singers, you must tell them this:  you suck.  Really, really badly.  

And I don't say that to be mean, I say it because it's the truth.

You got to look them in the eye and say:  you know what, so far, if one thing in your musical "career" has been made apparent, it's that you're not very good at making music.  Despite your best efforts and intentions and hopes and (misguided) dreams, you have the vocal range of an On-Star operator.  

It's not your fault, but it is the facts.

But depsite these facts, you've bravely battled your way through the ups (few) and downs (many) of what chasing your "gift" entails.  With a dream in your heart and an off pitch melody in your throat, you've stormed the stage and crashed karoake nights with the reckless abandon of a chubby kid running after an ice cream truck.  And when those karoake nights were over and you can't ruin Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" for the 3rd time that night because the night manager said "you were ruining it for him" you kept on trooping.  And you kept on singing (screaming) your heart out because singing is your thing.  And despite being consitently reminded by anyone with an opinion and / or ears that you have the rhymic sense of an electric bull, you fight on.  You push forward. 

So I guess, after all that, maybe it really is natural to want to continue chasing your dream.  And to do so on national television where it's no longer just six accountants eating buffalo wings to watch you bomb, but the entire world.  Because really, why embarrass yourself in front of your close friends and family, when you could do it in front of millions?  Perhaps you missed the memo that said these shows are for real singers to be discovered, not to be a musical take off of the show Intervention but hey, go big or go home right?

Or in this case, go somewhat big, get booed, and then go home.  

So thank you, reality TV singers, for continuing to believe in your talent.  It truly is the gift that keeps on giving.