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September 29, 2011

If you thought that cartoons have been completely up front with you, then your completely wrong. . . hahahaha your wrong!

Television has brought us the joy of entertainment for decades now. Eliminating those annoying needs to talk to loved ones and venture out into the outside world. Television has also brought us cartoons, an important part of most children, android children, and adult children's lives, and for those of you who never watched cartoons for some reason well then. . . tough testicles, maybe god loves you a little less than the rest of us. But cartoons haven't always been straight forward with us. sadly many of them were cancelled and for some sick reason the creators left us in the dark on the one thing everyone wanted to know.

Maybe you remember these mysteries. . .

What's Under Edds Hat?

In 1999 a show called Ed, Edd n' Eddy was released. The show centered around three best friends and the insanity they bring unto the cul de sac and tweens (who are notoriously bad natured) who live there. usually the whole purpose of their antics was to get rich and obtain an unlimited supply of jaw breakers, which in this world is a large crack like substance that everyone needs to get their fix of. In the series they often bring chaos unto the neighborhood where they live, and even though the miraculous reconstruction of millions of dollars in property damage is strange, their just so happens to be something even weirder. . .

The Mystery

Edd was the genius of the trio of idiots. He was the person who built the dooms day-ish devices which either ultimately broke down or made everyone’s life a little more like a day in the life of Oprah Winfrey, if Oprah Winfrey was a depressed fat man (insert cruel joke about oprah here if you have no soul). The one thing about Edd is that his head was always covered by a black hat. Although this may have just been his sense of gangster rap inspired fashion, many of us didn't let it go (as you can read). In a game created for the series, a still shot surfaced showing Edd throwing his hat up into the air, revealing that he has a scratchy hair doo, which you can see here.


But this hair scandal is largely believed to be false because the game wasn't created by the creators of the show. So the questions remain, What's under that hat? Does he have cancer? Is there a swastika tattoo he's not proud of on his head? Perhaps their's a group of tiny cranium people living in a village on his head (with a swastika tattoo on it). As that douche bag tootsie pop owl would say, the world will never know.

Arnold "    " Last Name

Hey Arnold! was a show about a good spirited kid named Arnold with a football shaped head. Arnold lived in a inner city neighborhood of New York where, surprisingly, most people are good hearted and caring, and theirs a low teen pregnancy rate. But with the lack of drug dealers and minorities aside, a common recurring theme in the show was. . .

The Mystery

Throughout the entire series, Arnold was always just Arnold ??????. Even when it came to his full name being on a lit, the person calling out names would always go "Arnold. . . o their's a smudge here" or "Arnold. . . o look at that, my hands are on fire". Basically Arnolds last name is greater than or equal to why that lady said something in every that's what she said joke.

Their are 2 gut cringing reasons we'll never know Arnolds last name


the shows cancelled


Throughout the entire series, Arnold lived with his grandparents while the location of his parent were unknown. For a grand finale, a movie was scheduled to be made, where he finds his parents and reveals the much hyped (only by me apparently) last name. Unfortunately due to complications, the project was cancelled. So the creators sadly left us in the dark on his last name. . . those sick, sick bastards.

The Pokémon Animal Whereabouts

Pokémon is a popular Japanese cartoon about a boy named Ash, who on his 10th birthday (which I assume is when you become a man) leaves his home to become a Pokémon master. Underneath the adorableness of the characters, who catch Pokémon, their lies a strange resemblance to slavery. But I'm not going to get into that (mostly due to fear).

The thing is, in the series there are some Pokémon such as Pikachu the electric "mouse" Pokémon, Butterfree the "butterfly Pokémon, and possibly Malcolm X-amon, the weird anti-establishment Pokémon. The only problem is that butterflies, mice, dogs and every other animal you would encounter in the real world (even unicorns) are nowhere to be found.

They Mystery

Throughout the course of the entire series Pokémon appear to replace every real world animal in the series yet frequent references to them are made. Real world animals have been seen but their presence is never explained. It's like seeing a bedazzled man purse in a Prison, a four legged dog at the gym, Edds head, or anything else that seems out of place in the world and not acknowledging it. Due to the fact that very few animals (if any) truly exist, then that would mean that primates don't exist, and if primates dont exist then the fact that humans are around in the series is a mystery. But I doubt this problem with continuity will ever be recognized in the series. Let's just say what kept secret in Japanese anime cartoons, stays in Japanese anime cartoons, know what I'm saying? No? whatever. . .

The Secret Recipe

The show SpongeBob is about a sponge who works at a fast food restaurant called the Krusty Krab. The show can be summarized in 6 words, gay and brain cell killing fun. The show often comes under fire for what may or may not be a homosexual sponge, a idiotic premise, and violent fish molestation. . . I made that last one up but still. To the critics of the show me and other unstable minded individuals of the world say "pee-Shaw" to cartoon haters and just explain to them that every action is justifiable under cartoon law (we usually get put into mental institutions but were still winners!). The one thing eating up fans of the show is a secret recipe, get it! Ahh mediocre puns. . .

The Mystery

Years ago Eugene Krabs was best friends with a guy named Plankton. The two of them were of ten made fun of because Plankton was a Plankton, and Eugene was poor and wore rags all the time (great reasons to be a dick to somebody by the way). So in order to become cool they set up a burger joint. They soon had a fight and a group of ingredients mixed together to create something delicious by accident. The two besties split and Eugene took the recipe. He then went on to become a millionaire and thus the Krabby patty secret recipe was born.

To this day and to the "I'm not touching you" irritation of millions of people, the secret recipe has never been told. It was almost announced in one episode detailing the history of the Krusty Krab but before the recipe was told, the creators pulled a Sopranos, and the screen went to black. This caused many people to scream "WHAT THE @!$#!%!@! MAN" for the first time. So we may never know the secret recipe, but if we do discover it, let's hope it doesn’t contain goats blood. . . I hate goats blood.

Wile E. Coyotes Poverty Problem

Wile E. Coyote is the cartoon world's favorite loser. He kind of made being anorexic cool. Wile E. Coyote, from my many years of research in cartoonology, is a coyote. He also happens to be a genius (mega smart yo), With all these cool traits, you would think that Wile E. Coyote has everything going for him. But to put it lightly, your completely wrong as always, you loser.

Wile E. Coyote's one down fall is the road runner. Wile E. Coyote is constantly hungry and because of that, and the barren land of the American south west desert A.K.A Doomsville, he is always trying to catch and eat the road runner. This always involves giant mechanical contraptions and weapons of mass destruction that he gets from the ACME corporation (probrobly mega evil yo) for free, and this is a benefit he gets from being an employee there. But with his genius and constant humiliation, their's one big question that needs to be answered. . .

The Mystery

As I mentioned previously (and sexily), Wile E. Coyote is a self proclaimed genius. He is also an employee of the ACME corporation, and all employees must get paid. So since he's a genius who can build anything the ACME Corporation gives him, has a steady income by said corporation, and is always hungry. . . why the hell doesn't he order a plane or jet pack and fly to the nearest grocery store? Surely under cartoon law (which we will not discuss) permits such an action. Also, because Wile E. Coyote is constantly hungry and never eats, how is he still alive? The time that most creatures (and super creatures) can go without food is 3 weeks, for cartoons this is multiplied by 20. From what I know, it's been well over 60 weeks so how has he survived for decades now?

Because of the facts and the clear lack of common cartoon sense, I believe that we, as a cartoon loving nation, must take away Wile E. Coyotes title of genius. At least until he treats us to some fried road runner.

The Goofy Pluto Paradox

Mickey Mouse and the gang are the only part of Disney that many people on the planet Earth actually respect and can handle for more than 3 hours. One of Mickey Mouse’s best friends is Goofy Goof, an anthropomorphic dog and notorious dumbass. Goofy can walk on 2 legs, is a home owner, and even has time to be apart of a Japanese video game series. Goofy’s treatment as a human character is quite clear and all his ancestors and relatives are as human as he is, though I'm not quite sure if great great great great great great uncle was (man that guy was weird). But Since Mickey's dear old friend is so. . . human, then that leads us to wonder about another character.

The Mystery

Mickey also has a pet named Pluto who just so happens to be a dog. . . and that's it. Pluto is just a regular old cartoon dog who eats from a regular old cartoon dog bowl and enjoys dog treats, he also occasionally enjoys licking his sack. The mysterious thing about this is that Goofy + Pluto + Existing together = doesn’t add up.

The simple fact is that if Goofy is a humanoid character with sophisticated taste, why is Pluto just a fire hydrant loving mutt? This paradox has never been fully explained to the public. Walt Disney could have explained the whole situation to us by using evolution but he didn't, which leaves the general public to come up with our own explanations such as (insert your explanation here since im to lazy to do so). Luckily Mickey Mouse and the gang are still around so theirs still time for Disney to come up with a reasonable explanation to satisfy the world! unless their too busy sucking the souls out of orphans of course.