Q: What is INTERPOL?
A: Thank you for asking. It’s short for the International Criminal Police Organization. 190 countries worldwide, united in the cause of making the world a safer place, and bringing wanted criminals to justice. We publish a list of the world’s most wanted people.
Q: Like Joseph Kony? I saw that video.
A: Yes, he’s on the list. Our most recent addition is Moammar Gaddafi’s former intelligence chief, Abdullah al-Senoussi.
Q: This sounds pretty cool. What would I get if I found one of these people on the list? A medal? Money?
A: Well, we actually have specially trained INTERPOL agents in every country that is a member. They do most of our arrests.
Q: If I saw one of these guys, though, would I be allowed to arrest them?
A: Uh...it’s highly unlikely you’d be able to. Most of them have their own bodyguards and soldiers and are hard to personally get in touch with. Though, on the off-chance you saw Joseph Kony or Abdullah al-Senoussi strolling down the street by themselves, we’d recommend you call the authorities immediately.
Q: Sick, man! Do I get handcuffs?
A: Uh, no. Not unless you are an actual police officer.
Q: A stun gun, then. Or a lightsaber.
Q: What about Russell Brand? Is he on the list? I heard he smashed a guy’s iPhone in New Orleans and there’s a warrant out.
A: ...Not at all what we’re talking about. Not a serious war crime at all.
Q: Where is INTERPOL, by the way? Is it the one with the penguins, or not that one?
A: It’s not a physical place. Though we have headquarters in France.
Q: Do I gotta learn French and all that shit? Man, that sucks.
A: Nobody said you HAD to do anything.
Q: This guy lives in Libya, yeah? Aw man, so do I gotta learn Libyan?
A: That’s not a language. Nobody speaks that.
Q: What do they speak, then? Klingon?
A: I don’t even know how to answer that. There’s a lot wrong with what you’re saying.
Q: Okay, worry about that later, so how do I get to Libya?
A: Look, this is more about awareness. Actually going to Libya would be extremely dangerous for someone like you. I’m not suggesting that you, personally, go to Libya, or Uganda, or anywhere, to find these people or anything like that.
Q: Well, you should! Man, next time you in a war, you should just send me and my boys out there. My friend T-Dawg has a crowbar, and if we were there, that shit wouldn’t go down so smooth.
A: While I agree that a fat white kid from the suburbs with no military training who listens to Li’l Wayne and eats a lot of marijuana cookies would provide a “fresh” perspective on the situation in Africa, I don’t think you fully understand the scope of it.
Q: Whatever, bro. I Interpol-ed your mom!
A: You just had to bring THAT up.