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September 03, 2014

The geckos that went to space to have sex died, and this is a tribute to them.


Recently, Russian scientists sent five geckos into space to have sex. Those geckos have died. This is a tribute to those once randy geckos. Below, please find a tribute song which you can listen to as you read the gecko sendoffs. Lyrics are provided should you wish to sing along.

Space Sex Gecko Tribute Song
By The Space Sex Gecko Mourning Choir

Geckos, Geckos
We love and miss you geckos
Geckos, Geckos
We love and miss you geckos

We sent you to space
To have sex
But you froze and died
We sent you to space
To have sex
But you froze and died

Geckos, Geckos, Geckos
Geckos, Geckos, Geckos
[gecko sound, gecko sound, gecko sound]
Froze and Died


Beck “The Neck” Rodgers

Beck was a fantastic gecko with a very large neck. He was funny, charismatic, and his wife at home didn’t even care he joined this space fuck den. “It was a space fuck den for science,” she said in Gecko language, tearing up.

Favorite Sex Position: 69.


Danielle Wilson

Danielle was the shy one of the bunch. Scared of absolutely everything, she used her sticky gecko feet to hide in normal situations. If everyone was stuck on the floor, she’d stick the to ceiling. If everyone was stuck to a refrigerator, she’d stick to a couch. She was so quirky and adorkable that no one expected her to freeze to death and become mummified with a gecko dick in her mouth.

Favorite Sex Position: Any position from her favorite novel, “Intensely Erotic Kama Sutra For Geckos.”


Wyatt McGregor

Mr. McGregor was the most serious of the bunch. He devoted his life to science, and had space intercourse down to an art. He was also pretty into butt stuff. He leaves behind no family but his pet fly, Rigatoni.

Favorite Sex Position: Missionary-style anal.


Gekkota Fanny

Gekkota was born to be a sex gecko. As an egg she was constantly masturbating, and she never really stopped. The good news is she did get pregnant so at least science shows that not only are they physically able to fuck in space, they can also succeed in fertilization. However, when frozen the tiny gecko fetuses do NOT freeze like Walt Disney and are in fact just totally dead, so don’t try to revive them with one of those tiny heart thingy that you rub together and yell “CLEAR!” with, because it is just SO messy and also very expensive. Gekkota leaves behind her proud parents, who could not comment because they were busy fucking.

Favorite Sex Position: Doggy Style, Reverse Gecko, Gecko Squish, The Juicy Jerk, The Licky Lizzy.


Henry the 9th

Henry the 9th, known as Henrold the 9th to close friends, was the only royal gecko to be involved in the mission. He, like the others, really loved fucking, but also loved his monarchy in the Gecko country called Winthrovia. He was a good and kind leader for two weeks and at the wizened age of 6 months old he went to space to die doing what he loved - sucking gecko dick and licking gecko vag.

Favorite position: The Shocker, but with gecko suction fingers so it really gets stuck in there.

Previously: Transcript From The Scientists Monitoring The Uncontrolled Lizard Sex Satellite