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August 08, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Former Rep. Gabrielle Giffords said she supports the plea deal for the man who shot her and several others that will keep him in prison for life. Said Giffords, "In prison, where no one can get to him...except maybe...an astronaut."

Rick Santorum will speak at the Republican National Convention. He'll fit in perfectly with all the other people who are also not Washington insiders.

President Barack Obama called Mitt Romney “Robin Hood in reverse.” "They don't call him the 'clever-in-chief' for nothing," said no one.

The release of the film adaption of "The Great Gatsby" has been pushed back to summer 2013. Giving them just enough time to add a couple more Bruce Willis/Arnold Schwarzenegger cameos.

Flooding has placed a third of the capital of the Philippines under water, forcing 250,000 to evacuate. "How was the country so unprepared?" asked someone who had never heard of boxer and actual Filipino Congressman Manny Pacquiao.

Target will reportedly be selling a gold "Hunger Games" Mockingjay pin for $999. Parents, good news: If your teenager wants one, you know you at least can stop saving for college.

A snowstorm hit Johannesburg, South Africa on Tuesday, where it has snowed only 22 days in the last 103 years. Even more alarming, people there suddenly sound British.

At its Japan locations, Wendy's is offering a "Premium Caviar and Lobster Sandwich." Not to be outdone, Wendy's locations in America are offering "Some Kind of Spicy Chicken Thing."

Obama signed a law stating that protests must be held at least 300 feet away from military funerals. Critics say it's not far enough considering how fat and therefore visible Westboro Baptist protesters are.

In response to an oil refinery fire near Richmond, Calif., a spokesperson for Chevron apologized for "inconveniencing our neighbors.” Funny, because that's probably not the same n-word they used when they killed those activists in Nigeria.

A representative of the Koch brothers criticized Zach Galifianakis after the comedian said he "disagreed with everything they do." That's the Koch brothers: So rich they can make a millionaire into an underdog.

The psychiatrist treating the Aurora, Colo., shooter says she warned police weeks before the incident. Because unlike TV, police really don't care what psychiatrists think.