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Published August 13, 2012

10. THE DRUNK URKEL EPISODE

 

 

When Laura's friend Maxine decides to throw a party on a rooftop, as most junior high kids typically do, it promises to be a fun-filled evening. That is until Willie and that dumbass Waldo decide to spike Urkel's punch. I don't even now why Waldo was hanging out with Willie. Waldo may have been an idiot, but deep down he was a kind- spirited dude. Willie was shady as hell. He was more of a weasel than Eddie and Waldo's other friend Weasel. As expected, Drunk Urkel was hilarious. He invented a new dance called, "The Urkel" which everyone at the party somehow knew how to do already. The sad thing though is that he can't handle his booze and winds up falling off the roof and nearly plummets to his death. If it weren't for Laura and her freakishly strong forearms, Urkel would've died. Still though, it's a pretty memorable episode.

 

9. UNCLE JESSE'S WEDDING

 

 

The most memorable wedding in the last thirty years. The royal wedding comes in at a distant second. Uncle Jesse gets cold feet right before marrying Becky, and does what anyone else would do in that situation. He goes skydiving. Skydiving doesn't go so well for Jesse. First he gets stuck in a tree, then he falls into a tomato truck. Apparently falling into a tomato truck is against the law too, because Jesse winds up in jail. It should be noted, that despite jumping out of an airplane and parachuting down to earth, Jesse's hair remained flawless and perfect in every way. Man, he had cool hair. Anyway, Becky bails Jesse out of jail. Then they hitch a ride back to the chapel with a random church choir, and Jesse sings "Forever", and it's amazing. I mean seriously, it brings tears to my eyes every time.

 

8. SHAWN HUNTER JOINS A CULT

 

 

Shawn Hunter may have been the coolest kid at John Adams High. He always knew where the parties were, and the females flocked to him wherever he went. He had a sweet undercut, and despite the fact that he was dirt poor and lived in a trailer park, he always seemed to be rocking some fresh gear. He never actually even appeared to repeat an outfit the entire duration of the show. From 5th grade to college graduation, the guy wore a different fit everyday.That, my friends is what you call swag. At least I think, I'm still not really that sure what swag means. Anyways, as much as it seemed like Shawn had his shit together, apparently he did not. This becomes evident when he joins a cult. Shawn was a lost soul, and it if hadn't been for his good friends Corey and Mr.Feeny, Shawn might have stayed in that cult forever. It just goes to show you. Sure, your cult leader might seem like a cool guy, but nobody has your back like your high school principal.

 

7. WILL GETS SHOT

 

 

 

While at an ATM, Will and Carlton get approached by a armed robber who demands their wallets. The robber opens fire on Carlton, but Will jumps in front of him at the last second. It takes a pretty big man to take a bullet for somebody else, especially if that somebody else is Carlton. This sort of thing wasn't really new to Will. He was from West Philadelphia, born and raised. He had been exposed to this kind of violence before. Carlton, on the other hand, didn't take it so well. He was completely shell-shocked by the whole incident, and decided to buy a gun for protection. He shows Will his gun in the hospital, and what follows is a pretty intense and emotional talk that ends with Carlton giving Will the gun, and Will being brought to tears. Then the credits roll at the end without the music. Fresh Prince did that from time to time. As hilarious as the show was, every now and then there would be a pretty serious, heavy hitting episode that dealt with extremely sensitive matters. They don't make shows like that anymore, and it's a shame.

 

 

6. CODY GETS IN A BAR FIGHT

 

 

Dana Lambert was a pretentious bitch. Luckily for her, she had a loyal family that always had her back. The best example of this is when she showed up at a raunchy hole in the wall bar, to hang out with some reject extras from the Roadhouse movies. Cody shows up apparently in the midst of an acid trip, to save Dana and all hell breaks loose. The twenty or thirty leather-clad bikers that know karate for some reason, attacked Cody one by one, instead of taking obvious advantage of the fact that they greatly outnumbered him. Once they figure out that jumping Cody is their best bet at winning, it's too late. Frank Lambert shows up, which means trouble for everybody. If you ever see Frank Lambert at a bar, then the entire bar is about to get their asses kicked. Frank was a hell of a dad. He played ball with JT. He protected Dana from Bikers. He completely forgot about his youngest son Brendon, towards the end of the show, but I don't blame him for that. Brendon sucked. He never did anything cool, so who cares if he just disappears. He probably ran away with Judy Winslow and Morgan from Boy meets world. Anyways, this episode is a classic. I could watch it everyday.

 

 

5. ZACK AND SLATER FIGHT

 

 

 

 

There were only about 8 chicks that went to Bayside. Kelly, Lisa, Jessie, those twins that always seemed to be around but never spoke or contributed anything to the show's plot, and 2 or 3 other random chicks in the background. Then every once in a while some new broad would just appear out of nowhere, to become a love interest for either Slater or Zack for a few days. Then they simply vanish, and are never seen or heard from again. There was the wrestler chick, Slater's old girlfriend Jennifer, the wheelchair broad, Oh and Torrie. Although she stuck around for a few episodes. The most memorable one though was Joanna. Zack and Slater both wanted Joanna badly, and were cock-blocking the shit out of each other to get her. Did that sound gay? It wasn't meant to be. Anyway, the tension between the two escalate, and ultimately end in an epic hallway showdown between two of Bayside's buffest Bro's. Mr. Belding breaks up the fight, and hands down the stiffest possible punishment to both of them. He makes them apologize and shake hands. That's why Belding was so cool. There is no need to suspend kids for fighting in school. A simple forced handshake will teach them their lesson. After another awkward and semi-homosexual confrontation between Zack and Slater by the punch bowl at the Max, the two finally decide to call off the grudge and become bro's again. Also, that was the episode that Lisa dated that dorky ass freshman.

 

 

4. BRAD TAYLOR GETS CAUGHT WITH WEED.

                                   

 

 

Tim Taylor had three sons. In the earlier episodes they all showed promise at growing up to be cool, but by the time they hit high school it had become apparent that Brad was the only one with a chance. By that time, Randy had pissed away all of his JTT appeal, and went from a trouble making wise guy to a total H-mo. Meanwhile Mark Taylor had transformed into a douchy goth kid, and spent most of his nights in his room, listening to The Cure while cutting himself. Brad, however was the most popular guy in school, a soccer phenom, and a total car guy. Argh Argh Argh Argh Argh. So when Tim and Jill found a bag of weed in the backyard, their shock and dismay turned into a panic when they realized it belonged to Brad. Not their star son. Anybody but him. Tim came down pretty hard on Brad, which I always thought was bullshit. You would think the guy who spent the better part of his 20's trafficking cocaine across state lines, would be a little more understanding when his son started blazing up. Hypocrisy, thine name is Tim. Especially considering the fact that Brad was probably getting his chronic from Tim's good buddy Wilson Wilson. The show never addressed the fact that Wilson was a pothead, but come on now. Nobody spends their entire lives in their backyard cooking authentic Indian cuisines, and practicing ancient Mayan rituals unless they're stoned. The guy wrote a book about the mating habits of termites. He was definitely baked 24/7. Oh well, at least Home Improvement had the courage to have their weed episode based on a central cast member and not some random third party. Like the Saved by the Bell episode, where that fake-ass Johny Dakota smoked a J in front of Kelly, or when Kimmy Gibbelar got ripped at that frat house.

 

3. STEPHANIE'S BAND BOMBS AT THE MAX

 

 

Stephanie Tanner was an over privileged brat. Her dad was the co-host of Wake up San Francisco. He uncle was none other than Jesse Kasopolis, the lead singer of Hot Daddy and the Monkey Puppets formerly known as Jesse and the Rippers, and also the owner of the renowned Smash club. Jesse did her a solid and got her a gig at the Smash club. He also tells her to practice and make sure they're ready to put on a show, but does she take his advice? No, because she's a bitch. Her first mistake was having Gibbelar play the keyboard. If you want anything that you do to be cool, then you shouldn't allow Kimmy Gibbelar to be a part of it. That's lesson one. Also, the one song that they played was Ace of Base. The only thing worse than hearing Ace of Base is hearing Stephanie cover Ace of Base. The only thing she did right was having Gia on the guitar. Aww Gia. She had it going on. I really wish that the producers of Full house would've made her a permanent cast member. I feel like we didn't see her as much as we should have. They could've just had Danny adopt her or something, and make her a part of the family. It's not like that sort of thing has never been done before. Every show does that when they feel like they're close to jumping the shark, and need a new cast member to make things interesting. Boy meets world did it with Shawn's long lost brother Jack. Family matters did it with 3J. Growing pains randomly found Leo Dicaprio in a janitor's closet and took him in. Full house didn't follow in their footsteps. Instead they centered more episodes around Nicky and Alex, like anybody gave a shit about those kids. They weren't cool until Big Daddy. The very least they could've done was to replace Stephanie entirely with Gia's character and just start calling Gia, Stephanie. Honestly would anyone even notice. Hilary and Carlton didn't notice when their mom completely changed after season 4. The only person who would even care would've been Dave Coulier. I've heard he has a thing for underage chicks.

 

 

2. THE DRAGONS TRASH RACHAEL'S PLACE

 

 

There was an awful lot of gang activity in the Chicago area in the early 90's. The Bloods, The Crips, and the most vicious of them all, The Dragons. The Dragons start trouble at Rachael's Place one day. They intimidate the customers, and give Urkel a wedgie. Then Rachael flips out and throws them out of her restaurant, because nobody messes with Steve Urkel. Well except for Laura, and Eddie, and Carl, and basically every single person Urkel will ever come into contact with ever. The Dragons take offense to being tossed out of Rachael's Place, and return later to vandalize and spray paint graffiti everywhere. Then to add insult to injury, they beat the shit out of Eddie Winslow. Somebody needs to teach The Dragons a lesson, and since every other cop in Chicago seems to be consumed with more pressing issues, the task of taking down The Dragons rest solely on the shoulders of Carl Winslow and his dim witted superior Lieutenant Murtaw. You've got to figure that the Chicago Police Department had 3, maybe 4 dozen criminal informants working for them, but for some reason Lt. Murtaw decides to put a wire on Urkel and sends him into The Dragon's secret hideout. It was almost as if Murtaw was sending Urkel there to die. He must have still been pissed off about that poker game that one time, when Steve cleaned him out. Regardless, it took The Dragons all of about 5 minutes to discover that the nerd was wired, and they were preparing to beat him with bats, and chains, and switchblades, because apparently The Dragons were too cool for guns. Seconds before Urkel's imminent death, Carl bursts in the room, and The Dragons are apprehended. Carl Winslow, he was the guy you wanted around when shit went down.

 

 

1. JESSIE'S CAFFEINE FREAK OUT.

 

Leave it to Saved by the Bell to address the most pressing issue facing teenagers at the time, caffeine abuse. Anybody who's ever had a cup of coffee knows what I'm talking about. It starts out so innocently. Maybe one night you decide to drink a Red Bull, in order to stay up for an all night cram session. The next thing you know, you're blowing dudes in an alley behind K-Mart for a bottle of Nodoz. It's a vicious cycle. Jessie Spano seemed like a level headed individual, but when her Geometry grade threatens to affect her chances at getting into Stanford, it becomes quite apparent that she will do anything for an A. Jessie gets completely stressed out about the whole situation, and turns to caffeine pills. Lisa and Kelly attempt to boost Jessie's spirits by getting her to sing with them. Then Zack convinces the girls to start singing as a group under the name " Hot sundaes", and weasels his way into being their manager. The girls and Zack create a pretty hot music video, in which they are all scantily clad in spandex, and are dancing and bouncing all around in a gym. Jessie seems to have no problem with being objectified, despite her staunch, anti-male, overly feminist values she holds dearly in every other episode except this one. Zack submits the tape to a record executive, because he has connections like that apparently, and subsequently gets the girls an audition at The Max. On the night of the audition Zack arrives at Jessie's through her front door, instead of his normal route through the window, and discovers Jessie passed out, after what seems to be an 18-hour caffeine binder. Jessie begins freaking out, and it becomes apparent to Zack that she was in no shape to sing. Zack consoles her, and tells her everything will be OK. Even though deep down, he knew that was bullshit. Hot Sundaes had one chance at making it and Jessie blew it with her out of control addiction and selfish behavior. They would've gotten that record deal for sure too. If the music industry has taught us anything, it's that hot chicks with no musical talent whatsoever get record deals constantly. Missing that audition was a poor decision on Jessie's part. It was the kind of decision that is the difference between girls who make it and girls who wind up on the stripper pole. That's a glimpse into Jessie's future if there ever was one. I still wonder what it would've been like had the hot Sundaes made it. I bet it would've been cool.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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