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June 03, 2011

My take on Cosmo lists

Continued from previous post

Part 2

26.  Choreographing dances

Huh:  All I can picture here is a scene with Kate Hudson or Cameron Diaz doing some cute little dance in the kitchen, filmed for the sole purpose of putting it in the trailer.  You know what I'm talking about.  This scene is in every summer rom-com. 

27.  Sleepovers

28.  Shopping with mom...she's like a 50%-off coupon

29.  Playing make-up artist on a friend

30.  Picking out your outfit-accessories and all-the night before work as if it were the first day of school.

Huh:  Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't most women do that anyway. 

31.  Treating September like it's the beginning of the year:  Buy new office supplies (including cute erasers), and pledge to get an A in memo writing.

Huh:  Wow, Cosmo is giving women a lot of credit here.  Their basically saying women should play secretary with cute erasers.  How about, this September, advance in your industry and think about getting your masters.  Cute erasers.  Holy shit.

32.  Conference calling your three best friends on a weeknight

Huh:  You better have a fourth best friend to talk shit about. 

33.  Taking up an activity that you probably tried at camp (and were too cool to enjoy), like archery.

Huh:  Archery?  I don't know one chick that wants to try archery.  Not a one.  From what I've heard about girls at camp, there's quite a bit of kissing going on.  That seems like a fun and exciting hobby to pick up again.  Ya, do that.

34.  Spending all day in bed watching bad Lifetime movies with Tiffany Amber Thiesson and Tori Spelling

35.  Keeping a list of every boy you've ever fooled around with...the more juicy deets you include, the better your hiding place should be.

Huh:  I don't know where to begin.  This is too easy.  What about a Blow Job List?  How much would you pay to get your hands on your girlfriends BJ List? It would shatter your world, especially when you realize what the denotations x2, x3, x4, xBasketball Team, all mean.   

36.  Giving inner arm tickles

37.  Instituting Taco Tuesdays or Pizza Thursdays, etc.

38.  Getting picked up from school...only now, instead of climbing into your mom's minivan post seventh period, hop into your boyfriends Jeep after you clock out at work

Huh:  What the fuck?  This is called getting a ride.  It happens all the time.  Pretty much daily.

39.  Wearing ridiculous party hats all night long when it's someones birthday

Huh:  Who would be so crazy?

40.  Writing mushy, where-are-you-now? letters to your future self and stowing them away for another 10 or so years...just think how much fun the ones from 6th grade are to read.

Huh:  Oh God, so much fun.  Remember all the shit you said you were gonna do in 6th grade?  Guess what?  You've done none of it.  Unless you wrote that you wanted no kids, no husband, a useless undergraduate degree, a dead end job, and bi-annual sex.  My future self thinks my past self is a total dickhead.  He can't believe how little he's doing as we speak. 

41.  Going by that trendy name you wish your parents had been hip enough to give you, like Chloe or Bella

Huh:  You know who else gives themselves fake names?  Strippers and hookers. 

42.  Marco Polo

Huh:  Just like when you were 9 years old, this will be fun for 5 minutes  

43.  Having a planned, well thought out afternoon snack, like celery with peanut butter and raisins, that you look forward to all day long

Huh:  Who looks forward to celery and peanut butter all day?  Who?  How is your life so pathetic, that you're looking forward to celery and peanut butter all day?  Tacos or pizza I can understand, but celery with peanut butter.  That's the kind of shit treat brainwashed kids eat.  Kids that drool every time you pull out a fruit roll-up or cheese and crackers in the little plastic case.  You know the kids, they weren't allowed to watch TV and they got beat up a lot.  Those kids end up fat and killing people.  

44.  Making the mall you night-out destination

45.  Watching TV while lying on the floor, snuggling with your fluffy husband pillow

Huh:  Sounds awesome right guys?  

46.  Storing make-up in your offensively large Caboodle

Huh:  I don't know what the fuck that is.

47.  Going to a fancy dress store and trying on black-tie gowns just to see how you would look should you ever get that Oscar's invite

48.  Taking a yearbook picture

Huh:  Only if I can have the laser background.  This idea is both cute and psychotic

49.  Stealing style inspiration from Stacey and Claudia of the "Babysitters Club"

Huh:  Huh?

50.  Being totally infatuated with the fact that you have boobs

Huh: Can't argue with that