A 243 page (!!!!) report was released today about that whole Deflategate situation that happened a few months ago, the one where Tom Brady and the New England Patriots DEFINITELY and ILLEGALLY deflated some of the footballs so that Brady could have a better grip on them. And in sports, what are we even doing if we don’t follow the rules, huh? That’s why we have big businessman professionals write long-winded, legalese-riddled reports that prove what everyone who knew anything about the situation was already sure of: The New England Patriots cheated.
The (243 page!!!!!) report says that it is “probable” the Patriots deliberately broke the rules and that Tom Brady was “at least generally aware” of the rule breaking. A punishment is expected to come in the next few days and, knowing the NFL and their penchant for handing down completely arbitrary or at the very least wildly inconsistent punishments, Tom Brady could be looking at anywhere between banishment from the league to a playful noogie from Roger Goodell.
Since the NFL can use all the help it can get when it comes to doling out punishments, I’ve laid out my suggestions for what kind of disciplinary action Tom Brady should get for cheating.
-Fine of half a season’s paycheck and Tom Brady can only wear clothes from Old Navy for a whole year.
Say goodbye to those flattering, European-cut dress shirts and just-tight-enough slacks, Tom. At Old Navy you have your choice of shirts that fit well around the chest but are too short to cover your belly button or slacks that somehow are both too loose and uncomfortable in the crotch. Also they will fall apart if you wear them in the rain. Good luck!
-$50,000 fine and having to snuggle with a cat for an hour.
Without knowing one thing about Tom Brady’s pet preferences, I am 100% sure that he hates cats and that they irritate the heck out of him. What I propose is to have Brady sit on a couch in his living room and place a cat on his lap, force him to pet it, and rub his nose to the top of the cat’s head lovingly. Brady is not allowed to snicker or look to anyone for help, either. He has to act like he’s loving it.
-Two-game suspension and being forced to live for eternity in the three-second awkward pause he and Jim Gray had during a prefight interview this past Saturday.
(I’ve watched this Vine more than 100 times and Tom Brady’s full self confidence while looking right at the terror in Jim Gray’s eyes as he scrambles for something to say tells you pretty much everything you need to know about what being good at sports instills in you)
-New England loses a first-round draft pick and they have to either cut off one of Tom Brady’s fingers or five of every other player on the team’s toes.
This is a classic “take one for the team” situation. Let’s see how much of a team player Brady is when he faces losing that left-hand pinky. On second thought, he’d definitely convince all his teammates to just lose the toes by buying them all XBoxes or something.
-Full year playoff suspension and surgery to give Tom Brady a weak chin and undefined jaw line.
Tom Brady be looking all like:
-Half game suspension and Tom Brady has to do an earnest karaoke version of a Taking Back Sunday song.
This is 100% for curiosity’s sake on my part. Tom Brady might actually enjoy karaoke and/or Taking Back Sunday, and he might not consider this a punishment at all, but no one has any idea what this would look like and I have a feeling that even the people most offended by the Patriots’ rule breaking will be satisfied after seeing it.