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August 21, 2015
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Mayor DeBlasio says Times Square has a "topless problem" and if that's what he thinks, he's being really unchill about the whole thing.

New York Mayor’s Bill DeBlasio isn’t doing a great job pleasing the city’s constituents, like when he famously insulted the NYPD in the wake of Eric Garner’s death last year. And now he has made another bold statement surely to divide the country’s most populated city. DeBlasio doesn’t want topless women in Times Square. He wants to introduce a plan to get rid of Times Square’s pedestrian area in hopes it will help with the district’s “topless problem.”

Quite frankly, if laws are passed banning titties from Times Square, it’ll put DeBlasio on the wrong side of history, nay, New York City on the wrong side of history. Yes, we have our slew of issues in the city –gentrification, stop and frisk, sometimes the line at Shake Shack is too long, but banning topless ladies from Times Square? That is one mistake that will undoubtedly push the city over the edge.

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These titties are on the right side of history. Are you?

We can make the obvious argument that disallowing women to be topless while letting an aging cowboy stuffing his junk in tighty-whities promotes the idea that a woman’s body is inherently sexual and therefore scandalous. But we all know that and that stance is pretty basic at this point. What we ought to really be crying out about is that boobs are cool as hell and by telling people who want to take ‘em out to put 'em away that is straight up uncool.

DeBlasio, just chill, k? We’re all adults here and half of adults have boobs. What you’re doing ain’t chill at all and we have to keep up the reputation that we’re a hip city. And if NYC is dubbed officially uncool,the title of country’s coolest city is up for grabs. Could you imagine having to hand over our reign to like Philly or, Goddess forbid, LA? No one wants that to happen. So let’s just let the boobs hang out, freely, in Times Square.

Besides, Times Square has a lot of wacky shit going on anyways and people don’t even pay attention to the boobs all that much. You’re much more likely to have your eyes glued to Minnie Mouse beating the shit out of Buzz Lightyear. So, DeBlasio, I don’t want to put you on DeBlast, but I would strongly rethink you’re position on this whole boob business and let the ladies decide when and where they wanna dump em out.

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