Full Credits

Stats & Data

January 24, 2018

It still sounds like more fun than the Fyre Festival.

Hello everyone, and welcome to FreezeFest 2018, Boston’s premier and only outdoor winter music festival! We are thrilled that you’ve decided to spend Presidents’ Day weekend here with us on the Boston Common rocking out to the best bands in New England that didn’t cancel when they found out our stages weren’t heated. We do have a few things to go over, but we’ll be quick—we know you’re anxious to get in there and show off your dance moves! Or at least you should be, as dancing throughout the weekend will be an important way to keep your blood circulating and prevent hypothermia.

Alright, so we’ve got four main stages set up throughout the park: the Snowman Stage, the Snowstorm Stage, the Snowball Stage and the Rob Gronkowski Stage. We’ll always have bands playing on two stages at a time, so you should feel free to hop around and catch multiple shows, ideally moving at a pace that is slow enough to avoid slipping on the many ice patches but fast enough to help maintain feeling in your fingers and toes—especially if you want to leave FreezeFest with the same amount of digits that you had when you arrived!

Please note that FreezeFest assumes no liability for any necessary amputations that may occur as a result of this weekend’s festivities.

Obviously, you’ll be spending most of the weekend at the four stages enjoying the music, but we do have one designated “warm up zone” in the Common where you can stand next to our space heater for just $10 per minute. It’s clearly marked by a white flag with a red flame, but if for some reason you’re having a hard time finding it, just look for the one spot in the park where virtually everyone has gathered together in a massive huddle.

As far as refreshments go, we’ve got you covered with all sorts of great winter-themed foods and drinks: snow cones, winter lagers, bottled ice that started out as water and more! You might see some chicken noodle soup and hot chocolate floating around as well, but those items are just for the headliners, and we ask that you please do not bother them with desperate pleas for just one taste of something that will remind you what warmth feels like.

For all you social media celebrities out there, the official hashtag for the weekend is #FreezeFest18. I know you may have seen a few other hashtags floating around out there like #FreezeFestSucks, #SoColdAndSadAtFreezeFest and #PleaseHelpTheyWillNotLetAnyoneLeaveFreezeFest, but these are all completely unaffiliated with the official FreezeFest social media strategy and have zero chance of getting promoted on our website. Also, we were totally giving out free coffee earlier. We just ran out, like, really quickly.

I want to reiterate how important it is for all of you to be constantly moving throughout the weekend.

As far as drugs go (wink, wink, am I right?), the only thing I’ll say is that FreezeFest is officially a smoke-free zone. This applies to cigarettes, joints, and any small fires you may try to start with discarded snow cone wrappers to stave off frostbite.

Alright, I think that’s just about everything, apart from the fact that I just received word that the space heater is no longer working! So let’s get on in there, have fun, and don’t forget that no one is allowed to leave until the last acts of the day complete their second encores!

Oh, and if at any point during the weekend you feel in need of medical attention, just remember this one simple phrase: “Wow, I really should have sprung for the VIP tickets!”