Eminem had a couple beefs with someone, I read. As a rap fan, this was hardcore. Beef! It's what's for dinner at Dr. Dre's house! I imagined myself throwing shredded Boca burgers at Lil' Wayne.
"A beef in the rap world means a disagreement, idiot! And you shouldn't use vegan meat subsitutes!"
my BFF tells me.
Whatever. I need to start a beef here on FunnyOrDie.com! Patti Stanger, that Millionaire Matchmaker hostess with the mostess, shall be my first beef victim. I wonder if she can get Mad Cow Disease over this.
BEEF #1: THE HAIR BIAS
Loyal Millionaire Matchmaker viewers will know how Patti banishes redheads and curly hair from her dating mixers. She clearly doesn't know what's she's talking about. Let's examine Exihibit A, what I call "Hotness Shut Down By Patti Stanger."
I threw in the underage fictional character hotness because somewhere, a million perverts were going to wonder about their girls Pippi Longstocking and Little Wendy.
How is a hair color or texture found in nature wrong, but welcoming aspiring gold diggers on her show with blonde and brunette locks is fine? Discrimination!
BEEF #2: DELUSIONAL MEN
Jabba the Hutt doesn't get busy with Princess Leia. She wants Luke Skywalker, the smart, young and handsome total package. Because the eligible bachelors on the TV show are dorks, you'd think they knew that.
JABBA THE HUT, A REALISTIC PORTRAYAL OF MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER 40SOMETHING BACHELORS
On the last episode I caught, and I do not joke, a middle aged bachelor seeking young, hot women had an amphibian bubble in his throat. When he spoke, it vibrated. Small. Big. Small. Big. Tiny. Big. Enormous. Small. I couldn't take my eyes off it.
This same man believed his new girlfriend when she said she liked him for his taste in art. The episode conclusion showed they were still going out! It had nothing to do with him owning a mansion or the fact he was a millionaire. For a woman who liked his taste In art so much, she didn't know much about art in any platform on their initial filmed date. Or anything at all. She couldn't talk.
True love. I called it first. It happens on every episode.
BEEF #3: Patti Puts Down the Women
Patti can't seem to grasp that because she is not interested in dating women, she should not have a voice on what her male clients like. Every episode, the girls go in the slaughterhouse line before the mixer for a review. Patti tells them about what they wear, their physical appearances and their education or a lack thereof. These women are told they not only need to be perfect Barbie dolls for the creepy men, they aren't good looking enough or entrepreneurial. Only women with a certain look and education level pass her test.
There is nothing wrong with these women. Many men, and certainly these slimeball men three or more decades older, would be overjoyed with the rejects. Unless Patti is holding a mixer for herself, she shouldn't tell them anything aside from dressing up a little more at the mixer. It's like she is God, and she decides who the men will like. These guys are pathetic enough. Don't take away any more of their dating pool before it happens.
GOLD DIGGERS SHOULD NOT BE HELD TO UNHEALTHY BODY IMAGE STANDARDS
"Girl, you tell me you feel sorry for them hos?" Well...a little. Anyone with the lack of morals willing to have sex with the Hunchback of Notre Dame shouldn't be subjected to impossible beauty standards.
Why then does Patti get away with this outrageousness? Simple. Because she looks really hot for her age, Miss Stanger has what is known as a bitch pass, allowing her to do whatever craziness she likes and not get jailed over it. No, really. I found it at the California DMV registry. Paris Hilton has one as well.
PATTI CAN DO THESE THINGS BECAUSE SHE IS ATTRACTIVE! WORD.
BEEFY THOUGHT FINALE
Patti, call it a day. You're really attractive, sexy, the funniest and wittiest woman on Bravo, all that stuff and I think you're cool, aside from a few minor details I suppose. But quit calling this a "matchmaking" show. OK. These women are obviously hookers taking advantage of dumb men on reality television. Reasonable smart, sexy young women wouldn't be doing this. The news that a girl on your show turned out to be an actual escort should tell us everything. Seriously. Call the show out on what it actually does. You might recieve Friends level ratings.
No, really. It happened, everyone. See this real TMZ link on how that very girl could be yours for $300 an hour. Girlfriend ain't been libeled, ya'll. She really appears to be the person in that escort thing. HMMM.