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I call it “The Murkel Solution”.

They say that the most brilliant ideas are born at 3 a.m. when the protagonist is trying to get back to sleep and hits his head on the side of the wall. Last night, it occurred to me that everyone in Europe likes things that rhyme. Hell. Everyone with a human heart likes things that rhyme.

So it’s rather obvious what we have to do to fix this mess overseas, isn’t it?

The Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel, has to recruit actor Jaleel White, best known for his role on “Family Matters”. We need Steve Urkel. Together, they will form an hour-long variety show called “Merkel and Urkel”.  

I think Angie will agree to this. She has been given a shoulder rub by George W. Bush before so clearly she is not easily embarrassed and does not have much to lose. The show will be a major money draw and the Germans can use that money to bail out the Greeks. People would pay a lot of Euros to watch this, so we will not set a limit. We will simply put a hat on the edge of the stage and see how much people throw in. Jaleel will beatbox while Angela juggles, or vice versa.

I think we can pad out the hour with other things that Germans like, like a cat playing an accordion. Eventually this will become a travelling show, and we can tailor it to international audiences. In Italy, we will substitute the accordion-playing cat for two puppets beating the living daylights out of each other;  in Spain, we’ll recruit a circle of clapping children wearing funny hats. I think when we go to England I can convince Chancellor Angela to dress up like a man dressing up like a woman.

True, I know what you are thinking. Some of the original material might suffer if we have to shoehorn in classic Urkel dialogue. But that is always the risk of reviving a TV icon. I think it will all be worth it when we erect a giant money counter at the back of the stage and when it shows that we have raised one billion dollars Jaleel turns around and says, “Did I do that?” and everyone goes nuts. Then we dance.

There’s no need to thank me. The restoration of balance in Europe is thanks enough.

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