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July 13, 2016

I sorted the Trump family into Slytherin House and the parallels are uncanny.

Proof That the Trumps Are Actually Famous Slytherins

Scrolling through the blood-curdling livestream of societal collapse that is my Twitter feed lately, I came across a picture of Eric Trump from an interview with Fox News (probably extolling the virtues of hard work or nominating his sister for Vice President of Being a Total Knockout). Eric, the third spawn child of Donald Trump, has a face - how do I put this politely - that makes me feel as if I’m turning to stone and burning alive at the same time. Maybe it’s the ashen visage that says, “I haven’t left my Trump Coffin™ in over 2000 years,"maybe it’s the rotting baby teeth, the sunken, beady eyes, or the hair gel, made specially for him out of the tears of an unpaid intern and gunpowder. Maybe it’s Maybelline. In any case, there was something so familiar about him. Who could this rare specimen possibly remind me of?? And then it hit me, like an Unforgivable Curse – Voldemort. The Dark Lord, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, You-Know-Who, creator and supreme leader of the Death Eaters Army, Voldemort. From here I unlocked an even greater conspiracy - each member of America’s potential first family is literally a famous Slytherin witch or wizard, and all the evidence I need is below.

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Eric Trump & The Dark Lord, Sliding into Your DMs Like

In addition to the overwhelming physical similarity, Eric and Voldemort have a lot of history in common. As we all remember, Lord Voldemort started out in life as Tom Marvolo Riddle, the son of the wealthy Muggle Tom Riddle Sr. and the witch Merope Gaunt. Eric is also the product of an inter-faith marriage, between Trump, the definition of a wealthy Muggle, and Ivana Trump, an esteemed graduate of Beauxbatons Academy. Eric and Voldemort also share a love of killing innocent magical creatures, and storing pieces of their soul in multiple far flung objects as a means of clinging to their former human lives.


Melania Trump & Nagini

These ladies are silent but deadly - and so, so over it. They are the Kweens of showing up when it counts and collecting their paychecks on the way out (see their stunning appearances in the 2016 Republican Debates and Godrick’s Hollow, when Nagini was straight chilling in that old lady’s corpse the WHOLE TIME). As far as their real opinions and personalities go, they remain enigmas to us all, and that’s not an accident. We can say this, each possesses a malevolent beauty and an insatiable appetite for young wizarding blood (in her night cream and for dinner, respectively). Also, you know Melania has a creepy Uncle Karkaroff back home in Slovenia.


Tiffany Trump & Draco Malfoy

Look at these two natural pawns blondes. After much Instagram stalking, I can’t help but think that Tiffany, exactly like Draco, is an insecure heiress who was raised to believe in the importance of blood purity by a powerful family with crushingly yuge expectations. The selfies, the extensions, the sunset pics - it’s all just a mask for the sensitive kid who hasn’t even had a chance to find herself before being caught in the crosshairs of a greater political web. How great would Draco’s Insta be, by the way? Geotag: Knockturn Alley. Caption: Save water, drink Butterbeer. Promo code below #Ad #Malfbois


Ivanka Trump & Severus Snape

Don’t see the connection between Ivanka and Snape? Are you BLIND? Arguably the most complicated characters in their multibillion dollar franchises, there is a compelling case to be made that Ivanka has been the Snape of the Trump family #AfterAllThisTime - AKA the “Secretly Woke” double agent who helped Dumbledore undermine Voldemort from within his own army. Not only is Ivanka the EVP of Development & Acquisitions at the Trump Org, CEO of her own namesake brand, and mother of three, she has also been a fixture on the campaign trail, schlepping to every frozen, flat corner of the country - pregnant, smiling, radiant - often pulled up by her father to speak on the stump. She is said to be a trusted campaign adviser to the Donald, and may very well end up in his hypothetical cabinet of The Best Guys Ever. She is powerful and polished, never once flagging in her public support of dad, even when pressed about his most sexist, racist, and incesty comments. Why??? Why did Snape kill Dumbledore? To protect their covers, guys. Ivanka and Snape need to be PERFECT to fool Trump / Voldemort. Need more clues? Ivanka has voted for Hillary in the past, and cleverly “forgot” to change her voter registration from Independent to Republican so she “couldn’t” vote for her father in the New York primary, which is obviously an act of sabotage and the single wokest thing I’ve ever heard. Thank you, Ivanka, for having the discipline and composure to live this lie even though it must be killing you inside - you may be our only hope in the battle for Hogwarts come November.


Donald Trump Jr. & Crabbe/Goyle

Yeah so, this is a guy who exists. Meet Donald Trump Jr., the firstborn, who appears to be the oafish love child of the largely indistinguishable Crabbe and Goyle. As far as I can tell, what these three people have in common is their hapless stoogedom, or rather, their total irrelevancy.


Barron Trump & Dolores Umbridge

Alright, I admit it, I originally drew this comparison based on cheekbones and hair alone. But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. We don’t know much about Barron, having been trapped in a Rococo prison for most of his young life. Besides being a convenient excuse for Melania to avoid ~~her husband ~~the campaign trail, he shows strong early signs of Trump Face and #BadBehavior. But how is a kid raised HERE not going to be an adorable despot with severe OCD?


Donald Trump & Peter Pettigrew

Yes trolls, I know Peter Pettigrew isn’t technically a Slytherin, but c'mon, look at this photo. No explanation needed.