3 Funny Votes
1 Die Votes
Published April 09, 2012


Break ups aren’t easy.  Feelings are hurt and the wounds are deep.  Your heart will ache forever if you let it, so make sure you get a grip by getting rid of the things that are keeping you stuck the past.   Here are five things you can cleanse from your life to help you move on.

  1. Texts. Going through your texts to find the last time they said “I love you” is looking up at rock bottom.  Texts are actually the easiest item on this list of things to purge so get them out of the way and gain some momentum to make it through this stuff.  When you’ve cleared your sexts, change their contact name to something really mature, take a deep breath, and move on.
  2. Their clothes. The offering of a drawer to a partner to keep their things in at your place is an exciting step for a couple.  Clearing it out at the end of the relationship is not.  Resist the urge to keep the contents of that drawer around, and return them to your former regular guest.  This is especially important if you ever drink alcohol.  You know it was true love when you come home wasted and put on her tank top and fall asleep sniffing it and sucking on her toothbrush.  I mean… I would imagine.
  3. Pictures. The image of you two together is going to keep convincing your brain that you are.  Shut your stupid brain up by replacing every picture of your removed lover you have with money.  Just stuff the bills right into the frame.  Have you ever done it before?  Doesn’t it sound awesome?  It is.  You won’t be lonely anymore when you can see all the money you no longer waste on toilet paper and awful dates where you pretend to enjoy not wearing sweatpants and leaving your house.
  4. Playlists. CDs and playlists of “this is our song!” songs can go even deeper than pictures for tricking you into thinking someone still loves you.  They don’t.  No amount of John Mayer or Jewel will change that.  Take this opportunity to replenish your iTunes with the stuff you used to listen to but stopped because they weren’t a fan.  I can’t believe you ever let them change who you are and what you listen to.  Fucking Jewel?  Seriously?  Why?  Delete it.
  5. Their hair. It doesn’t have to be their hair; it could be a wrapper from their brand of gum or the receipt from a pregnancy test you bought together.  Traces of past relationships are everywhere, and you’ll know it the second you see one through the haze of tears.  Even inconspicuous pieces of garbage are sometimes responsible for reminiscing and can set your break up healing back weeks.  Clean everything.  Your bathroom, your car, your bedroom, everywhere.  I keep finding strands of my ex’s perfect hair in my bedroom.  Trust me, there is nothing sadder than contemplating collecting your ex’s left behind hairs and making a life-size replica of her with them that will still love you.

After getting rid of all this stuff, you’re going to have a lot of room in your home, and a lot of room in your heart.  It’s time to take care of you for a change.  Sit back in your empty room with no music to listen to and nobody texting you and count your money.