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February 26, 2016
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This week, America suffered two mass shootings committed by a man driving around and shooting people from his car. But since guns have proven completely impossible to ban or regulate, let's impose tougher car laws.

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This week, America suffered not one, but two mass shootings committed by a man driving around and shooting people from his car. It is clear that action must be taken to stop mass shootings. But since guns have proven completely impossible to ban or even regulate, we must focus our efforts on regulating something else. Thus, we are calling for tougher car laws.

As such, we have suggestions on how to make our car- and gun-filled country safer:

  • Tougher restrictions on who can buy and get access to cars.
  • Required background checks, licenses, and registration for those who choose to own a car.
  • Reasonable waiting periods, especially for those who show any signs of road rage (e.g., twitchy eyes, way too eager to flip people off) at their local dealership.
  • No more loopholes that allow people to buy used vehicles from unlicensed private car dealers (e.g., your mom, that guy on Craigslist selling a ‘02 Civic).
  • No cars allowed for anyone on the do-not-fly list.
  • Routine police collections of unwanted cars traded for $100 Wal-Mart gift cards.
  • Stringent open-carry-of-car-keys laws.
  • Limits on how many cars an individual can purchase in a month.

We also recommend adding the following safety features to all vehicles:

  • Windows that do not roll down.
  • Bulletproof windows.
  • Bulletproof everything-that-is-not-windows.
  • Locks to prevent child access to the driver’s seat.
  • Autodrive mode that will not allow a driver to drive past the headquarters of any company that has fired him/her.
  • A built-in soothing automaton voice that is triggered whenever a driver’s blood pressure rises and talks him/her down from the proverbial “mass shooter ledge.”

And if none of that works, let’s discuss an all-out ban on cars.

Now, some of you might say that we actually need more roads, more cars, more direct routes from police stations to everywhere, more traffic to slow down shooters. That this is not the time to talk about limiting car usage. That we should be encouraging everyone’s God-given right to drive their gas-guzzling behemoths to Starbucks for their Grande Macchiatos because they just spent 15 minutes on the elliptical at the gym and they’ve earned it. But we have no other choice. We can’t impose tougher gun laws, so this is the only other option.

And why stop at regulating cars? Here are some additional things we could regulate since we can’t regulate guns:

  • Roads and buildings — most mass shootings happen on roads and buildings, so let’s stop building those.
  • What days and times people can leave there house — mass shootings usually happen when people are not asleep, so we’ll only allow people to leave their houses while they are sleeping.
  • Who can leave their house — are you a man? Most mass shooters are men, so we should probably not let any men leave their houses ever.

Will regulating all of these things work to stop mass shootings? Eh, almost certainly not. Just like the banning of the Confederate flag before it, this seems like the right move to fix 100% nothing for sure. But they will surely be easier to regulate in America than guns. Literally anything would be.

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