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Published October 05, 2012

 

Some say that people of my religious persuasion don’t believe in evolution. Nonsense. After all, my religion evolved from a simple cult of asceticism and peaceful worship into a cynical tax shelter that believes God is freaking out over who people are having sex with. So, yeah, I do believe in evolution. I am, however, totally against the idea that we came from monkeys. Have you ever seen a monkey give birth to a human? I have. How Ron Paul got ahold of that sad creature is a mystery, though it’s said he does have high-powered contacts in the fast food industry. Gee, that sure was the weirdest birthday party I’ve ever been to. The unicorn salsa was pretty good, but did they have to slaughter the mythical creature in the living room using nothing more than dental floss and plastic spoons? And was it necessary to dress it in bondage wear first?

Look, just like Pitbull writing a marriage advice column, some things are just plain wrong. For instance, did you know that some people actually believe in Pangea? It’s the theory that way back when, all the continents were one, like a greasy hippie love-in or something. Oh, wouldn’t that be lovely? Gives me butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it. Incidentally, I once knew a guy who really did have butterflies in his stomach. Sounds cute until you learn that it took over two days for the little fuckers to eat their way out.

We all just need to grow up. If we were a little taller and bulkier, we might have a chance when it came to wrestling lions. As it stands, most of us can barely win a fistfight against an ostrich. Come on, we can do better than punching ostriches all afternoon.

Pangea. It even sounds like something a liberal would come up with. More like Potgea. Heh. Am I right? They were obviously smoking something when they came up with it.  Look, as someone who can hold his breath to the count of seven, I know what it’s like to get a little high. You get all dizzy and see things that aren’t there. Things like Granny riding a boar while she swings a mace above her head, insisting that you will in fact eat your porridge. I’ve had some wild trips in my time, but, Pangea? Something about it just smells foul.

Oh, wait, that’s me. Talking about Pangea gets me moist in all the wrong places. How is it even possible for my toenails to sweat? Maybe I should ask someone who knows about these kinds of things. No, that would be stupid. I’ll just hold my breath.

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