It’s awkward. It’s clumsy. It’s extremely unhealthy…
It’s a Zach Galifianakis / Melissa McCarthy sex tape.
(yeah, you read that right)
Please hold back your dry heaves, as I tell you about this insane fornication.
The two comedic chunksters met while filming ‘Hangover III’. The tape, which takes place in McCarthy’s on-set trailer, starts out with a classic porn cliché: Zach knocks on her door holding a pizza he swiped from the crafts services table.
McCarthy lets out a snort of joyous surprise and quickly ushers Galifinakis into her messy trailer.
After a 14-minute span of loud, conversation-less chewing, the two actors lock eyes before bum-rushing their costar’s big boned body in the heat of passion.
They hit the fragile floor of the trailer with a loud, damp thud and sloppily lick pizza grease from each other’s mouths.
Super gross, right?
I forced myself to sit through this repulsive connection between bearded peen & overweight vagine for the sake of research. And, after blacking out a few times from sheer terror, I can surmise that Galifianakis makes love much like he delivers a joke: Short spurts of awkwardness ending with people laughing at him.
The majority of the 19 ½ minute tape is the pre-sex grub-down. The rest includes their brief, pratfall-ridden sexual encounter, and ends with roughly 6 minutes of apologies.
After Zach's depressing exit from the trailer, McCarthy, sweaty and nauseous, looks up and notices the webcam on her laptop had been on the entire time. In a panic, McCarthy rushes over to close the laptop, but before she shuts it down, she mentions to herself “I’ll have Brenda erase this.”
Brenda, the name of McCarthy’s ex-personal assistant, apparently opted to keep this little piece of grossness for a rainy day.
This just proves the old adage true: Never have a pizza-induced sex romp with your equally overweight co-star the same week you fire your personal assistant Brenda.
(Zach at his climax...of regret)