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April 16, 2013

that's right. your favorite comedic chubsters actually "got down" on the set of 'Hangover III'. What ensued was a legendary sex tape...


It’s awkward. It’s clumsy. It’s extremely unhealthy…

It’s a Zach Galifianakis / Melissa McCarthy sex tape.

(yeah, you read that right)

Please hold back your dry heaves, as I tell you about this insane fornication.

The two comedic chunksters met while filming ‘Hangover III’. The tape, which takes place in McCarthy’s on-set trailer, starts out with a classic porn cliché: Zach knocks on her door holding a pizza he swiped from the crafts services table.

McCarthy lets out a snort of joyous surprise and quickly ushers Galifinakis into her messy trailer.

After a 14-minute span of loud, conversation-less chewing, the two actors lock eyes before bum-rushing their costar’s big boned body in the heat of passion.

They hit the fragile floor of the trailer with a loud, damp thud and sloppily lick pizza grease from each other’s mouths.

Super gross, right?

I forced myself to sit through this repulsive connection between bearded peen & overweight vagine for the sake of research. And, after blacking out a few times from sheer terror, I can surmise that Galifianakis makes love much like he delivers a joke: Short spurts of awkwardness ending with people laughing at him.

The majority of the 19 ½ minute tape is the pre-sex grub-down. The rest includes their brief, pratfall-ridden sexual encounter, and ends with roughly 6 minutes of apologies.

After Zach's depressing exit from the trailer, McCarthy, sweaty and nauseous, looks up and notices the webcam on her laptop had been on the entire time. In a panic, McCarthy rushes over to close the laptop, but before she shuts it down, she mentions to herself  “I’ll have Brenda erase this.”

Brenda, the name of McCarthy’s ex-personal assistant, apparently opted to keep this little piece of grossness for a rainy day.

This just proves the old adage true: Never have a pizza-induced sex romp with your equally overweight co-star the same week you fire your personal assistant Brenda.


(Zach at his climax...of regret)