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March 26, 2016

The Future is Here, and it Ain't Good


I’ve got good news and bad news. The good? I have recently been imbued with the power to see the future.The bad? I can only see things related to Donald Trump. If you’re interested,here’s what’s going to happen.
Donald Trump is elected 45th president of the United States after Hillary Clinton tragically and mysteriously falls from the top of Trump Tower in Manhattan

At his first State of the Union address, President Trump enters wearing a Keffiyeh headdress and opens with the one about the Sheik, the Rabi, and the near-sighted camel

The newly installed president refers to his cabinet as the Trump-ets
Reverts title of Secretary of Defense back to Secretary of War

Appoints Ted Nugent new Secretary of War

As Commander in Chief, orders Fifth Fleet from the Arabian Sea to Acapulco Bay

War Secretary Nugent demands that Mexico build a 30-foot wall across its northern border. Mexico considers it in light of recent wave of illegal immigrants from U.S.

Repaints Air Force One black with gold leaf and renames the plane TRUMP ONE. Charges the government for the use of his name

Germany recalls its ambassador and shutters embassy in D.C. after Trump is caught on tape at State Dinner squeezing German chancellor Angela Merkel’s left buttock and referring to her as “a classy old krout”.

When world tensions reach a boiling point after his election, President Trump defuses the situation and is credited with averting a potential World War III when he addresses the United Nations Assembly with the shortest speech on record. Quote,“Shut the f**k up. I’ve got the nukes. Fuhgeddaboudit.”

In a sudden and unexpected turn of events, chief of staff Sarah Palin is severely injured in a freak accident while trying to walk and chew gum simultaneously. Trump appoints SpongeBob Squarepants as her replacement

As many presidents have done, Trump personalizes the White House to his taste. Initial rumors were that he planned to install a sign with the name TRUMP in ten-foot high neon letters above the front portico. Trump discards that idea, saying that it wouldn’t be “classy”. Instead, he has much of the gold bullion removed from Fort Knox and resurfaces the facade of the White House in solid gold bricks. He also adds a floor mat at the door leading from the Rose Garden into the Oval Office inscribed with the Declaration of Independence. In the residence, he has custom rolls of toilet paper made up which scroll out the United States Constitution. Vice President David Duke pitches in on the remodel and donates an extra pair of lawn jockeys to White House front yard

Trump issues his first executive order, which states that the official presidential song will from now on be Eye of the Tiger and demands that he is to be referred to as"The Donald". In protest, at the following the State of the Union Address, as The Donald enters the chamber and strides to the podium, members of congress from both sides of the isle let out an audible “quack” with each step. Senate leader Ted Cruz can be seen on national television, sittingbehind The Donald throughout the speech, flipping off the president.