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June 13, 2011

Unstory of meat producer Oscar Mayer protesting Rep. Anthony Weiner's conduct and his affect on the English language.

Congressman Anthony Weiner (D-NY), whose sending of lewd photos over the internet to various women has caused one of the more embarrassing political sex scandals in a year full of them, now has a new enemy – Oscar Mayer.

The meat and cold cuts production company, a division of Kraft Foods, held a press conference earlier today in which spokesman Gus Lang read a statement approved by the company’s ruling board.

“The congressman has denigrated himself, his family, the U.S. House of Representatives, the city and state of New York, the American people and the very word ‘wiener’ with his inappropriate conduct,” said Lang, “Worse yet, the congressman’s association with the word has led to widespread misspelling of ‘wiener,’ which properly places the ‘i’ before the ‘e’ at the beginning of the word.”

Lang later admitted that the reverse spelling, which is how Representative Weiner’s name is spelled, is considered to be an acceptable ethnic variation in America but that the dictionary-approved spelling should be the standard.

“Wieners are good,” said Lang, “Wieners are tasty, and it always feels good to put a wiener in your mouth and bite off a length of it, whether you like your wiener plain, in a bun, covered in mustard or ketchup or some other sauce. Some like their wieners with onions, and some with cheese. Me, I think nothing beats sucking down a good cheesy wiener covered in chili, but that’s my personal choice.”

Getting back to the main topic, Lang said, “As Americans and as manufacturers of all variations of wieners, we at Oscar Mayer believe that Anthony Weiner should resign his seat in congress and seek the help that he so clearly needs. He can do nothing but harm to the institution and constituency he serves by remaining in his seat.”

The reporters, who throughout most of Lang’s statement could barely repress their giggles, asked only one question.
“Mr. Lang,” asked the clearly amused Dan Panich of Beltway Beat magazine, “Is it true that many housewives buy the footlong wieners but only serve their families the regular-sized ones?”
“Grow up,” said Lang, who then walked out of the conference as the gathered reporters erupted into a gale of Wiener-fueled laughter.