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October 22, 2016
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Jimmy Garoppolo, New England Patriots Back-Up QB, Is Tom Brady's Long Lost Son

FOXBOROUGH, MA—“Two jaws being so square cannot be mere coincidence,” said New England Patriot’s owner Robert Kraft in a press conference Monday referring to his starting quarterback Tom Brady and backup Jimmy Garoppolo. No one was more surprised than Brady, when a joke paternity test between Brady and Garoppolo came up positive revealing Brady, 39, to be the twenty-five year old’s biological father. “I’ve always dreamed of playing catch with my dad,” said Garoppolo to press, “little did I know I was doing it all along.” Allegedly, on the night of conception, Brady and Garoppolo’s mother, who declined comment, were listening to the 1991 hit “I Wanna Sex You Up” by Color Me Badd on repeat. Garoppolo was the first of Brady’s four children. When asked to weigh in on his four-time Super Bowl MVP’s situation, head coach and open book Bill Belichick commented, “Sex was had. A baby was born. We have to get Brady more protection.” Brady was unavailable for comment, but an anonymous Patriots staff member reported seeing Brady holding Garoppolo in his arms like a baby. Brady and Garoppolo are the first father-son duo to play on the same NFL team.

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