You are sad.
You are a recluse.
You probably feel like waste.
It doesn't have to be that way if you let me into your life.
Hello, I'm actor Christian Slater, remember, from the '90s? I have the forehead of a Calvin Klein model and the vocal quality of fellow actor Jack Nicholson. If you sign up for ChristianSlaterMingle.com, I will take you on a romantic date starting at dusk until the sun forces me to return to my place. I've drilled a long line of women including Winona Ryder, and have seduced many more with my ageless eyes, and you could very well be next. So what's it gonna be? Registration will be open forever.
When I am not attending fan conventions for "Interview with the Vampire" and signing your trinkets in a pen impregnated with my own blood, I enjoy logging onto my computerbox and reading messages from adoring femmes. Elephant in the room - I have been arrested for numerous car chases and weapons charges, but as I prefer to view things with a "glass-half-full" approach to life, I did get out on good behavior, so I know how to treat you just right in any given federally-approved circumstance. Remember when I was in "Heathers"? What a picture.
I would not say no to a plural rendez-vous, if you have a sister. And yes, you will get used to my drawl after a verse or two of whispered love poetry.
Some real-life testimonies, positive ones, from real-life human users of ChristianSlaterMingle.com. No robots, we checked.
"I didn't think carnivals operated overnight, but Mr. Slater showed me otherwise. We were the only ones there so it was very lovely and private."
"He has magnificient hair. And he likes to comb it while looking at himself in a full-length mirror. Not an easy feat as almost all of his combs are whittled down to shivs."
"He showed me his laboratory. It was an interesting first date. So many things suspended in formaldehyde!"
"He asked me to wear false eyebrows for him, which of course I did."
"Christian Slater is a deity, and I hear that making love to him while listening to the sounds of the wind and a wolf howling at the moon is an absolute delight."
Just joking, that last one was me in a wig. But the rest were real. So just stop sucking, and go on a date with Christian Slater right the eff NOW! Register today and we promise we will not collect any of your personal data in a hastily scrawled journal page that will then be taped to the inside of a cedar closet door which is aglow with thick, colored, wax candles, and a halo adorning your yearbook photo. You DON'T want to say no to me AGAIN!