After the Golden State Warriors defeated the Cleveland Cavaliers Sunday night, LeBron James told the press he’s the best player in the world. He then went on to divulge many other things he’s the best at.
The full press conference transcript is below.
LeBron, do you feel a lot less pressure this finals run just because you are undermanned and you had some injuries as opposed to previous years?
No, no, I feel confident because I’m the best player in the world. It’s that simple.
You seem very calm when you say that. Are you more comfortable answering these questions than in the past?
I feel confident because I’m the best question-answerer in the world. Easy.
I noticed both you and Tristan Thompson are wearing hats. Which one of you looks better in hats?
I feel confident because I’m wearing the best hat in the world. Simple-imple.
LeBron, you say you’re the best in the world at basketball. What else are you the best in the world at?
I’m the best in the world at yelling “For three!” and then throwing a piece of garbage in the trash can.
I’m the best in the world at thinking about my toes wiggling, and then BAM! they’re wiggling.
I’m the best in the world at calling butterflies “day moths.”
I’m the best in the world at ripping half the paper off a straw and blowing the other half at someone’s face.
I’m the best in the world at making decisions, though I do admit I’m 3,032,304th at making PR decisions about decisions.
I’m the best in the world at talking to whales, according to the whales I talk to.
I’m the best in the world at dreaming about 100 teacup pigs run in and oink kisses all over my face until I wake up crying from laughing.
Do you have any other personal rankings, LeBron?
Well, I’m 11nth in the world at going down the stairs two at a time.
I’m 426th in the world at making it look like I’m removing my thumb from this hand by using my other thumb.
[DOES TRICK. LIGHT APPLAUSE.]
I’m 3rd best at showing my dick on live TV.
I’m 69th in the world at sex, and 231st in the world at using that joke.
When it comes to whistling, I’m 124th at puckered-lips, 6 billionth at using two fingers.
I’m 6,019th at enjoying the film Her. Just didn’t like it as much as a lot of other people.
I’m 143rd in the world at extracting semen from championship-winning racehorses.
I’m 948th at thinking of witty captions for my friends’ Instagrams.
I’m 97th in the world at discerning between real Pollock paintings and forgeries.
I’m the 7th best in the world at finding Wenda, Waldo’s sister.
I’m 14th in the world at knowing what all the chess pieces do.
I’m the 58th best Beatle in the world.
I’m the 18th best at looking up at the night sky and spotting Jupiter before anyone else.
I’m the 1,398th best in the world at appreciating the scientific benefits of the Large Hadron Collider.
I’m the 89th best at judging whether dogs know what they did or are just acting guilty.
I’m 913th at having meaningful conversations with barbers while I get my hair cut.
I’m 7,000,000,052nd in the world at displaying humility.
I’m 139th at knowing what a male snake looks like versus a female snake.
I’m 332nd best at imagining a female Big Bird in a bikini and liking it.
I’m the 33rd best at getting excited when someone gives me a $2 bill.
I’m 13,399th at sitting on tree stumps that are home to a huge nest of pissed-off yellow jackets..
Hey, LeBron, I got a question for you.
Wait. Michael Jordan?
That’s right: It’s me, Michael Jordan. Best player in the world, huh? How about a game of 1-on-1 right now?
Michael, no offense, man, but that’s not fair at all. You’re so old.
And you just got you’re ass whooped by a kid whose baby looks like his older sister.
Look, man, would you be happier if I said “currently" the best pla—
Count these rings, “LeBroken.” Six. Six fingers, six rings!
[AUDIBLE GASP FROM PRESS CORPS]
Holy shit, you have six fingers on one hand?!
I had one surgically added so I could wear ’em all on one hand.
Just put two on one finger!
You’re just jealous that I have the best middle pinky in the world.
OK, well, I’m tired so I’ll see all y’all on Tuesday.
[JAMES AND TRISTAN THOMPSON STAND AND LEAVE.]
Yeah, well, I’ll see you on the court, LeBron, in 15 minutes! LeBron! LeBron? Where’d you go? Where’d everybody go? Hey, don’t shut those cameras down! Go Hornets. GO HORNETS! GO MICHAEL! MICHAEL’S THE BEST! THE BEST!!!
[AUDIBLE SOUNDS OF LOW, EVIL CACKLING.]
Whoa, are those Fritos up for grabs?
[AUDIBLE SOUNDS OF CHEWING, SCATTERED, “MMM’S.”]
Mm … fuckin’ love these things … I’m so lonely … mmm.