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December 05, 2016

VP elect Mike Pence has a new column full of useful sex advice!

As Vice President elect, it has come to my attention that Americans do not know the proper way to have intercourse (and there is just one proper way!) Therefore, I have started an advice column in order to better educate the nation on what a healthy, appropriate sex life is all about.

Dear Mr. Pence,
Big fan here! I follow your advice very closely. My husband and I are finally ready to take the plunge and have intercourse! Is there anything we can do to make this a less sinful act?
-Godly Gladys

Dear Gladys,
I am so glad you wrote me! And that you used email. I no longer open my mail because the women of Indiana have been sending me unspeakable things. As for how to make sex less sinful, I’m glad you asked! Before making love, you and your husband should decide what to name the child whether it’s a girl or a boy. Don’t pick a name that works for both girls and boys, that’s wrong. Remember to do it inside of your marriage bed. Remember, sex must always be inside of a marriage bed. You never know when god’s being literal or not! God is an angry trickster who wants us to fail. That’s why we have fossils and jazz music!
Mike Pence

Dear Mike Pence,
I’m trying to stop masturbating, but it’s not going well. Do you have any advice for me?
-Strokin’ Steve

Dear Steve,
I don’t appreciate your pseudonym. Couldn’t it have been something nice, like Saintly Steve? You’re making me uncomfortable. But this isn’t about me, it’s about you and your disgusting problem. I can’t relate to this at all. I have no problem not masturbating because I have other interests to focus my intense, frustrated energy on- yarn balls, macrame, rubber band balls, woodworking, fetuses, and holding my breath for specific lengths of time. Try focusing your attention on one of those things. Especially fetuses.
Mike Pence

Dear Mike,
My wife and I want to spice up our love life. Any tips?
- Bored Ben

Dear Ben,
Try different positions. Not just missionary facing the bed post- try missionary facing away from the bed post or even missionary sideways on the bed- but be careful! Best to save thrills like diagonal missionary for special occasions like New Year’s Eve or the death of a relative. Make sure that you use foreplay because using lube is a sin. But not too much foreplay! That’s why it’s called foreplay, it should take no more than four seconds. And lastly, did you know sexy underwear isn’t just for women? I like to reward my wife by wearing it too- simply take your white fruit of the loom briefs and with a permanent magic marker write S***Y on the waistband. Happy copulating!
Mike Pence

Hey Mike,
My boyfriend and I like to mash our penises together.
-Mashy Mark

Dear Mark,
You strike fear in my heart and therefore don’t deserve job security, Mashy Mark, who is definitely a real person and not someone I made up along with a description of what I think gay sex looks like.
Mike Pence