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December 02, 2015

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is an idiot. Here's why.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is an idiot. Here’s why:

The other reindeer are terrible

As if their rejected American Gladiator names weren’t an obvious giveaway, these guys suck. They won’t let another reindeer play with them? They’re jerks. They laugh and call him names? They’re bullies. All because he looks different? They’re bigots. Specifically because of his congenital physical deformity? They’re actual monsters. It turns out Santa’s reindeer are pretty much the opposite of Christmas.

So what does that genius Rudolph do? He idolizes them and makes it his life’s mission to ingratiate himself with this squad of jackasses.

Reindeer games are terrible

Why are there absolutely no details about reindeer games mentioned in the song? Because you would immediately stop singing in disgust. Reindeer like bashing each other in the face. It’s a game to them. In fact, it’s really the only game to them. They don’t have hands. They don’t fetch. They just ram each other in the skull at full speed, a lot. Sure, they may have a reindeer game called “hide and seek,” but it never takes more than a few minutes before it deteriorates into an endless game of head-butting and head-butting back. Most of the time they skip right past the formality of hiding and seeking altogether. And if the blunt-force head trauma wasn’t enough, they generally like to lead with the giant cluster of bone-spikes sticking out of their foreheads.

But it’s not like Rudolph has anything on his face that his entire life and legacy depend on that should be protected from harm at all costs.

Santa is terrible

No one ever says it, not with all the hush-toys jammed down their stockings every December, but this guy is the worst. Another sexual misconduct allegation against Cupid? Santa just relocates him somewhere else along the reins. Dasher clearly suffering severe CTE symptoms from all his reindeer game collisions? Commissioner Claus continues to clear him to pull the sleigh on Christmas Eve because of his unmatched speed. A new sleigh prospect being taunted and harassed by the team because of a rare physical birth defect? Santa pretends to be unaware of his existence until there’s suddenly an opportunity to exploit him to save Santa’s own ass.

Leading Santa’s sleigh is terrible

This is grueling forced labor, but at least a reindeer only has to do it for eternity. And don’t be naïve: The front position isn’t the best spot; it’s the worst. When there’s debris or bugs or birds in the path, the one in front is the shield for all the reindeer behind him. When there’s a fierce Arctic wind, the one in front is the one whose eyelids freeze shut. When they need to make room to fit the sleigh on the roof, it’s the one in front who has to dangle off the edge while they’re parked.

Rudolph’s old life was awesome

He was living a life of leisure in a literal winter wonderland free of charge. At least now he no longer has to suffer through thinking back on the sweet life he once lived. With all the reindeer games he’s been able to play since then, the only things foggier than that one Christmas Eve are Rudolph’s concussion-ravaged memories.