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Published January 25, 2012

 

PEDESTRIANS!
 
If there's one thing I've taken from my high school basketball coach and from Rick Ross, it's that, everyday I'm hustlin'. 
Not just everyday, but erryday. I hustle at work, I hustle in life and I always, ALWAYS hustle across a street. There is no reason to take a leisurely stroll across a street, ever. Unless you're old. In which case debilitating pain and relentless effort to carry out even the simples of activities might be misconstrued for leisure. 
 
No one likes deliberately slow pedestrians. What you didn't see on the cover of Abbey Road is the Mini that sped right behind George three seconds after the pic was taken, the driver yelling later "GET OUT OF THE ROAD YOU BLOODY HIPPIES"
What's there for you in the middle of the street that requires such indolent movement? You find a penny? See a rainbow? Discover a tear in The Matrix? There's nothing for you there in the middle of the street, I assure you- but there's a land of opportunity just a few steps away on the other side, so hurry up and get there because I'm just barely holding onto the idea that running you over wouldn't solve all my problems.
 
No need to take a casual extra slow stroll across the street, ever- ESPECIALLY when you stepping onto the curb is the thing the cars in the right lane are waiting on before they can make their turn. Remember, pedestrian, soon you'll be the driver. And don't think that there isn't a butterfly effect. You wanna hold up traffic with your slow walking? Fine. But just know that the traffic you're holding up is, subsequently, holding up traffic down the block which is preventing Derek from merging into the right lane that he needs in order to turn into the parking lot of the Verizon store that you're headed to to ask why your Android has the shittiest speakerphone ever and when you get there you're gonna be made to wait behind the 83 year old Russian woman who doesn't understand phones (in general) and the crazy bored 62 year old burnt out hippie woman who uses her trip to the Verizon store as more of a chance to socialize with the workers than to get her Jitterbug fixed- and yeah, you would have been helped quicker but they are short handed today because Derek, their best sales associate is late coming in because of traffic that started about five minutes ago. PS- Derek didn't end up making it into work that day because he got shot- a bullet that wasn't intended for him and,had he just been able to turn into that parking lot 30 seconds earlier, it would have missed him. Oh well, good thing you got your stroll on before you came into the store. Oh well, enjoy waiting in line at The Verizon Store- try threatening to drop their network if they don't assist you quicker, because they totally care.
 
So who are the offenders? Again, we're not counting the elderly or the sickly or the children or the elderly sickly children.So here they are:
 
1)BLACK CHICKS
(For the sensitive: NO IT'S NOT ALL BLACK CHICKS but if comedy made exceptions for everyone then there would be no generalizations and there'd be no jokes that bond us culturally)
They do this far more than most people. I think it's an exercise in power. Like, sort of a last ditch "F U" to society. I might mistake their meandering across the street for ambivalence except for the fact that, on more than several occasions, it's been accompanied by a death stare directed at me. The stare that implies "And what?! I'm gonna take my mothafuckin time and you ain't gonna do shit because you're in a car and I may or may not be crazy...or armed" Now, especially in Los Angeles, 5 times out of 10 the black girl is, in fact, a black transvestite. You don't wanna mess with them. 
This is a wo(man) whose earthly possession (condoms, strawberry lube and a hot comb) all fit into one fake Coach bag- this is someone that has very little to lose and probably carries razor blades in their mouths- so don't challenged them.
Truth is, as much power as you, as the pedestrian (and in the case of Hollywood black chicks, your name might actually be P'destrian) feel you are wiedling over the driver, you're actually giving the driver the power because you are, in fact, placing your trust in them that they, as the operators of a one ton vehicle, won't hit you because really, aside from an intangible law requiring them to stop at a stop sign, there's nothing physically preventing them from running you THE FUCK OVER. The same thin barrier of sanity that prevents you from running out into oncoming traffic is the same barrier that prevents the driver from pressing down on the gas peddle when you cross, so have some respect for traffic and get out of the way. And before you get all up in arms about how that's racist- just relax your sphincter. My black friend Erin agreed with me on this.
 
2) WHITE GIRLS ON CELL PHONES
YOU ARE  BRATS. White girls, we're gonna go with age 15-30, are totally oblivious to anyone around them- in general but particularly when on their phones. They take their time crossing and it's not deliberate. They aren't doing it to intentionally upset you. And I actually can't tell which is worse, going out of your way to be annoying or just being innately annoying by virtue of the fact that you're so self absorbed that you fail to notice others. It defies nature that you wouldn't even acknowledge an oncoming object (my car)- you just have faith that I'll stop and everything will work out in your favor because, well, it always has, thanks dad!
 
BECKY, it's amazing that you just got the results of your online nursing exam and yes, I'm sure your boyfriend really wants to hear about your morning and that totally gross homeless guy who stared at you. 
ALLIE, yes it's annoying that dad won't buy you a brand new 3 Series until you finish your first semester at Cal State Barstow. 
KAITLYNNNE, yes it's annoying that you can't get your boyfriend to pick his son up from daycare so you can make your shift at Saddle Ranch- BUT DEAL WITH IT ON THE GODDAMN SIDEWALK. It's great that all your life you've been cute and the world just kind of revolved around you but, now you're older...and not so cute and no one cares. So move (bitch, get out the way)
 
3) TEENAGERS-
Not just any teenagers, city dwelling teenagers. You can tell because their clothes are cooler than yours yet they always have a thin layer of city filth covering them. Kids who grow up in suburbs have been taught to fear streets and rarely have to cross them anyway, so when they are in a big city they get it over with as fast as possible. I'm talking about the kids who live in cities and have no healthy fear of traffic.
Look, it's great that your high school lets you go off campus for lunch (oh, it doesn't? Oh, you dropped out? Sweet!) and you've chosen to use that time to wander the streets aimlessly. And it's awesome that your fitted hat obstructs your view just enough that no one can see your eyes, which will totally work for you when the business owner whose building you tagged can't identify you because he couldn't see your face. BTW, cool rosary beads- you pray with those often or were they just on sale at PacSun?
And that's cool that you and your friends really wanna focus on your music careers despite the fact that none of you can read music but yeah, fuck school, get a rap career, it's super easy and it's not a saturated market at all. And it's awesome that you're able to download the new LMFAO video right to your phone despite the fact that you haven't read Grapes of Wrath, The Great Gatsby or have any idea what happened in WWII. No, WWII isn't a skateboard apparel line.
And good job having unprotected sex with your girlfriend/American Apparel model/underaged prostitute- it's great how affectionate you guys are when crossing the street- I really love watching you make out. Oh and tell your buddy that all of us here at the stop light are super impressed with your friend who's scaling the street light pole in an effort to tear down a street sign in broad daylight- me and all the other tax payers are loving watching this- and we're gonna love EVEN MORE when he falls off the post, breaks his goddamn collar bone and has to be rushed to the hospital because we'll be the ones who get to pay for it because his hardworking parents who came to this country to give him a better life probably don't have any insurance. Way to do your part. Pull up your pants, go back to class and do something with your life. But first, cross the street.
 
4) MEXICAN MOTHERS
I kind of don't think Mexican mothers are aware of where they are because they are overstimulated by the herd they travel with. They may, in fact, be hustling across the street but it's hard to hustle when you have four babies, your cousin, her kids and a baby carriage full of groceries from The 99 Cent Store weighing you down. I can also imagine it's hard to move your legs fast when you're in the tightest jeans ever. 
I think I'm bothered least by this one because they seem to have too many real problems to deal with to worry about crossing the street quickly. Also, they always smile- I kind of don't mind you holding up traffic if you smile. A smile says "I don't mean to take forever" and that, somehow, makes it okay. Makes it bueno.
 
The people who we, as a society, allow to cross the street at their leisure are usually insane homeless people, the elderly and children. As a fully functioning adult, if you want to be given the same consideration that we give to the criminally insane, retarded and mentally insufficient, then fine- just don't expect to be treated normally the rest of the time.

 

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