It may be taking Hollywood an inconceivably long time to produce the next “Rick and Morty,” but some of us have been waiting even longer for the next installment of a mad scientist making a boy travel through time and space.
We’ve all seen the “Back to the Future” trilogy from Doc and Marty’s perspectives. So what were those exciting adventures like for Marty’s girlfriend, Jennifer, the third member of the time-traveling trio? Probably something like this.
Back to the Future (part 1)
Marty: My swag hair and killer skateboarding moves may fool a lot of people, but I suffer from a deep, deep lack of confidence.
Doc (stalking them): SHUT UP MARTY, YOU SHORT NUMBSKULL!
Marty: I don’t know.
Jennifer: But Marty, have you seen your bangs lately?
Marty: I know. I know.
Jennifer: Plus, you drink Pepsi Free, the coolest kind of Pepsi.
Marty: We should all drink Pepsi Free all the time.
They each down a handle of Pepsi and stare lovingly into each other’s eyes. This universe has handles of Pepsi.
Jennifer: Mmmkay, well, call me.
One movie later …
Marty: JENNIFER! I missed you so much!
Jennifer: Marty. You never called.
Marty: I’ve been busy.
Jennifer: Oh, me too, totally.
Marty: Really? What have you been up to?
Jennifer: Uhhhh … This?
Marty: Hanging around my house?
Doc drives up in his time-traveling car.
Doc: Marty! You’ve gotta come back to the future with me! It’s your kids, Marty!
Marty: What’s wrong with them?
Doc: They’re all fucked up!
Marty: But Jennifer and I were just about to take my new truck out for a spin! Because that’s what teenagers think is cool these days. Big trucks. This is what the 80s are like.
Doc: So bring her along! This concerns her too.
Jennifer: What happened? Are we out of Pepsi?
Doc: THERE’S NO TIME! LIVES ARE AT STAKE!
Back to the Future II
They fly off in Doc’s magical time-traveling car.
Jennifer: I feel like a totally different person than I was two seconds ago.
Doc: Time machines, man. Am I right? I’m right. I’m always right.
Jennifer: No, I mean, I used to feel like American actress Claudia Wells, but now I feel more like American actress Elisabeth Shue.
Doc: Oh no, Jen’s hysterical! She can’t handle this, Marty.
Jennifer: No, I’m just saying—
Doc: We gotta knock her out, Marty. She shouldn’t have come in the first place. Where we’re going, we don’t need girls.
Marty: But you made her come.
Doc: MARTY, WE DON’T HAVE TIME TO WORRY ABOUT CHICKS NOW! YOUR FUTURE MALE PROGENY IS ON THE LINE!
They knock her out.
Marty: Now what?
Doc: Uhhhhh, I guess dump her in an alley.
They leave Jennifer in a pile of garbage and drive off to drink Pepsi. After a few hours, the police find Jennifer, sample her DNA,and bring her to the house of her future self.
She explores her future living room for about ten seconds and steals a fax (faxes are popular in the future), the most she’s done all movie. Then she sees her future self and characteristically passes out. Marty and Doc find her.
Marty: Oh god, Doc,they’ve got Jennifer! She’s all helpless, because she’s a woman. And also,because she’s blacked out. Wait, is she still unconscious from when we knocked her out?
Doc: Nah, this is a different bout of unconsciousness. She was lucid for a few minutes in between the two.
Marty: Oh no! Jennifer hates being awake!
Doc: Chill, Marty.We could never have predicted that police would notice an inanimate white girl lying in an alley.
They grab her and bring her back to her porch in the middle of the night, which, thanks to all their time-traveling shenanigans, is now located in a really bad neighborhood.
Marty: Are you sure we should leave her here?
A police car smashes into a pile up of other police cars down the street. A gang of squirrels mug a pidgeon. Terrorists play monkey in the middle with an FBI officer’s grenade.
Doc: She’ll be fine.
Back to the Future III
Marty and Doc time travel back to the Old West and get into a bunch of cowboy adventures.
Marty: Hey Doc? Is Jennifer still lying unconscious on that stranger’s porch in a bad neighborhood?
Marty: Okay, just checking.
An hour and fifty-eight minutes later, Doc and Marty win all their adventures. Doc stays in the past, but Marty comes back to the present, where Jennifer is lying on her porch in a now-safe neighborhood — you know, one of those neighborhoods where young women sleep on their front porches all the time and it’s not even dangerous at all.
Marty: Jennifer! Doc and his rein of time travel terror are finally over. He’ll never bother us again.
Jennifer: Thank god.
Doc appears in a magical, time-traveling locomotive, blasting Jennifer and Marty into a ditch.
Doc sneers at them with his hot new girlfriend and smug-faced children.
Doc: Yo, Jendog, you’re okay! See, Marty? The past fixed itself, just like I planned.
Marty: When did you plan that?
Doc: When I was telling you to shut up, Morty.
Marty: My name’s Marty.
Doc: Whatever. So Jen, how’s it hanging?
Jennifer: Last thing I remember, I was staring into the eyes of my middle-aged self. And immediately, before that, I was hanging out with Marty and his cool truck. Come to think of it, I can’t remember anything from the last few days. My memory’s blank, my back feels like it’s been sleeping on concrete, and I’ve got a blinding headache. The only clue I had was this fax I brought back from the future, but now it’s erased. What the fuck, Doc?
Doc: That fax means your future hasn’t been written yet! No one’s has.
Marty: Wait, didn’t this whole thing hinge on us travelling to to stable futures that apparently were written?
Doc: You know what? Fuck you, Marty. And fuck you, Marty’s girlfriend. I’m gonna go chill with Biff and shoot up Diet Pepsi.