The Golden State Warriors defeated LeBron James’s Cleveland Cavaliers to win the NBA Finals. The series ended last night 4–2, with the Warriors decisively demonstrating they were the superior team. These 2015 NBA Finals were the highest rated NBA Championship since the Jordan-era Bulls were three-peating all over the place. Which begs the question: What the heck happened during the Finals that was so special? And the answer: a lot!
Everyone knows about how Stephen Curry’s adorable and hilarious daughter, Riley, joined in on some post-game press conferences and that LeBron James was showing full dong to the cameras, but there were other things that didn’t get much coverage outside of the actual game broadcasts. Below is a list of things you missed if you weren’t like the 20 million other viewers who watched the 2015 NBA Finals.
1. During Game 1, Cavs coach David Blatt quit basketball coaching and declared his candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination. LeBron has since been collecting his head-coaching salary.
2. Courage was personified, multiple times.
4. In Game 1, one of the players landed weird on another player’s foot when he came down after grabbing a rebound and his leg bone split clean in half and popped out of his leg skin and stabbed another player in his leg and there was blood everywhere and the referees were slip-sliding on all the blood. Everyone was taken to the hospital and will be fine in the end, which makes it OK to laugh at in hindsight, thinking about those refs slip-sliding all over the place.
5. All the refs were women with big tits.
6. All the guys under the basket who mop up the sweat were muscly hunks with long schlongs.
7. There were a lot of really great picks and some spectacular bounce passes.
8. In Game 3, a loose donkey from the halftime show found its way onto the basketball court. They had a hell of a time rounding it up and getting it out of there. The big-tittied refs were slip-sliding on the donkey’s droppings, which was funny both at the time and in hindsight.
9. Before Game 5 Metallica played the national anthem on their guitars, which might be pretty cool if you’re a Metallica fan, right?
10. J.R. Smith refused to take off his sunglasses during all of Game 4, played terribly, missing all eight three-pointers he took, but even his teammates admitted he looked really cool and it was worth it.
11. Warriors head coach Steve Kerr averaged a quiet but effective 12 points on 60% shooting off the bench.
12. Andrew Bogut ate too many grilled chicken sandwiches before Game 2 and ended up barfing all over the floor and the big-tittied refs started slip-sliding around in all the barf before the long-schlonged moppers could mop up all the barf and one of them even fell face down into the barf and there was a slow-mo GIF of him accidentally putting his tongue in the barf. As I’m sure you can guess, it was hilarious.
14. Kyle Bowman, a software engineer from Kent, Ohio, hit a $1 million half-court shot during Game 3 in Cleveland and mooned the whole crowd in celebration. Even slapped his cheeks a little.
15. Bill Cosby sat in with the commentators at the halftime show of Game 2 and confessed to all his rapes. He showed real remorse and has vowed to pay back his debt to society in any way possible. People are pretty much fine with Cosby now by the way.
16. At some point during the third quarter of Game 5 Jon Snow was murdered and left to die as his blood pooled in the freshly fallen snow of Castle Black.
17. During Game 2 commentator Jeff Van Gundy finally stopped talking about the refs and let us know how he felt about abortion. He’s for it, of course, but also believes sex education should begin in preschool. And while he was on the subject he voiced his concern for how European nations are very open with sexuality and, for that matter, nudity, compared to the United States and that he doesn’t think it should be a big deal that an adult man wants to read his morning paper nude if he’s on his own porch.
18. Your Ex ran out onto the floor and showed the goods to everyone, LeBron-style.